Roses are red, violets are blue, today you learned on Tinder no one wants you. With Valentine’s Day passing by, Tinder usage has increased astronomically. People start swiping right like a trigger-happy protagonist in a Tarantino movie. I should know; thanks to too many hours of desperate swiping — which could also be interpreted as intensive research for this very important article — I’ve developed a list of the 10 most interesting types of people on Tinder, ranked by rarity.
- THE FRANTIC FOR FRIENDS: EVERYWHERE
The mass amount of people suffering from COVID-19 confinement. Now they’ll settle for any form of contact, even if it’s a shallow talk on Tinder with someone just trying to get in their pants.
- THE CATFISHER: VERY COMMON
You got me, neckbeard in a too-tight “Game of Thrones” T-shirt who lives in his mom’s basement: I’ve never seen a photo of Kylie Jenner before. This is the account with five pictures of Jenner-adjacent celebrities coupled with extremely baitable lines such as “only fwb.” Not to be confused with the Fish Boy, who thinks that a big cod compensates for nearly everything else he lacks. It’s not cool that you caught a fish Brad.
- DOUBLE DATES: COMMON
The duo of girls trying to meet another duo. The perfect setup for a love plot that’s more confusing than “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”
- THE LESBIAN COLONIZER: UNCOMMON
The straight man whose appearance in a stack set to “women only” shows he clearly can’t read. This man feels so superior that he attempts to crusade across the divides of sexuality and colonize territory that does not want him. He thinks his jawline is sharp enough to turn you straight.
- BONNIE AND CLYDE: RARE
The couples trying to find their third. Now you don’t have to worry about one person killing you; you have to worry about two.
- PACK OF HYENAS: ULTRA RARE
The group of girls trying to find a guy friend. Like a pack of hyenas looking for a giraffe to gnaw on, these accounts only settle for tall, attractive guys.
- DOLLAR MENUS: EPIC
The group of six girls or guys who combined forces to recreate McDonald’s dollar menu using Tinder. After sending a few messages to #3, Sidney, you realize that Jessica (#2) and Emma (#5) are probably looking over her shoulder snickering at how awkward you are. Unmatch.
- THE CAPITOL SPIES: LEGENDARY
The heroes that took the responsibility of the FBI unto themselves. This is the only ethical form of catfishing. They disguise themselves as a hot blonde in a bikini and crocs holding a red, white, and blue Desert Eagle, luring the raiders to brag about the federal crimes they committed when they stormed the Capitol. Although the lawbreakers deserve long sentences, they also deserve medals for getting their beer bellies above the Capitol walls without a forklift.
- DUCK PICS: MYTHICAL
Just pictures of ducks. Or lamps. Or memes. Or some other non-human object. This is a great relief to the eyes from the endless amount of thirsty guys you normally encounter.
- A TRUE MATCH: IMPOSSIBLE
In the end we’re all on Tinder for one thing – to try to actually meet someone. While you might both swipe right, a true “match” is nearly impossible to come by. And I promise you, the guys who promise they’re in love with you after talking for 3 days are not the one.