Public Safety requests guns to ensure the safety of a completely deserted campus
Public Safety director Clark Livingston took the CT on a tour of all the potentially dangerous locations where students currently aren't.
Engineering expo promises “New opportunities for misery and death in the Middle East”
“We hope students will take this opportunity to get in on the ground floor of unmitigated slaughter,” a UR Career Center representative told the CT.
Protesters protesting campus protest met with protests
When advertisements for a protest were posted in prominent locations around campus, a student stapled Uno reverse cards on top of them.
New student initiative for tuition increase to fund totally unrelated guillotines
Top UR administrators, last seen diving Scrooge McDuck-style into a swimming pool filled with 2019’s executive bonuses, were unavailable for comment.
Florida Experiences Problems with Recurring Recounts
Florida, a state that is "physically incapable of making decisions" is under fire as midterm elections went to yet another recount.