Breaking news from a Washington D.C. parking garage (aka National Guard Barracks): An anonymous source has revealed to Campus Times that President Biden is reportedly having an affair with a certain high profile University President. 

Our anonymous source, who has chosen to go by Ronald Drumpf (and who told us this was “a very very smart fake name. Super clever. Indecipherable”) reached out to let us know.

The source claims that Biden and UR President Sarah Mangelsdorf have been spending late nights post-10 p.m. closure in the Great Hall of Rush Rhees Library. They were most recently spotted entering the Humanities Center with GrubHub bags from the Pit — a romantic evening indeed. 

Mangelsdorf has not appeared on the official White House visitor list, however an anonymous aide in her office claims she found a lint roller covered in German Shepherd hair that could very well belong to Biden. 

This news has the potential for a huge political and financial backlash for Biden and Mangelsdorf’s respective institutions. Biden has struggled in the past with allegations of being too old, and his case was not helped when he responded to questions from our CT reporter, having mistaken them for an actual reporter from a reputable source. 

Our anonymous reporter, wearing both a COVID-19 mask and mirrored shades to protect his identity, yelled over the propellers of Marine One, “Mr. President, are you and Sarah Mangelsdorf having an affair as Mr. Drumpf alleged?” The President, in a seeming bout of immediate onset amnesia, responded, “Who? Oh, will you just shut up.” 

CT reached out to the President’s press secretary for comment, who responded, “Please stop bothering me with this.” When pressed further in her office, she slipped up and said, “Honestly, you are going to be arrested, how did you get in here?” Seems like deflection to us.

UR has been just as tough to get information from. Mangelsdorf’s office has yet to respond to our request for an interview. The only response we received was from the student at the Q&i desk. On the condition of anonymity, Ilene Onda Books of Burton Hall sat for an interview. She secretly revealed that she had heard President Biden’s voice in the stacks late at night. “I guess it could have been on CNN or something, but who watches the news in the stacks at 11:15 p.m.? It seems much more reasonable to have actually been him. I mean, I know it seems crazy, but if you heard his voice there you’d have thought it was actually the President, too.” 

This yet-to-be-formally-confirmed bombshell is expected to send huge waves through Washington and Rochester alike. Many students plan to protest the alleged affair being covered up by the University. One student told CT, “I mean, I don’t care if they’re banging, but it’s messed up that they’re hiding it. Hopefully she can land some Poli Sci majors an internship or something, though.” 

We hope to continue exposing information as it comes to us. Mr. Drumpf promised us more information after his spray tanning appointment this Friday.   

An open letter to all members of any university community

I strongly oppose the proposed divestment resolution. This resolution is nothing more than another ugly manifestation of antisemitism at the University.

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