Political Comedy

Pistachios becoming “disturbingly normalized,” warn centrists

“Finally, just in time for the midterms, they have something to unite them: disdain for the pistachio.”

CT’s SA Election Suggestions

Here are some suggestions the Campus Times has compiled to make elections Ever Better.

Biden-Mangelsdorf affair revealed

This yet-to-be-formally-confirmed bombshell is expected to send huge waves through Washington and Rochester alike.

UR Alum and Ex-Trump aide reveals former president thought COVID-19 was Xi Jinping prank

Desperate not to be the victim of yet another one of Xi’s pranks, Trump ignored what he saw as a fake crisis.

Email from a distraught, unvaccinated donor

Nobody told me there was a cutoff for illegal benefits, and it would have been nice to know considering my most recent donation of $150 and two black market kidneys seems to total only $5 net value under the apparent “official” vaccine “price.”

Wake up sheeple!

Decked from head to toe in sheepskin vests, fluffy boots, and sheep-adorned masks, you’ll never guess what twist this group of FOX News viewers pulled on the “ridiculous CDC regulations.”

Anti-racist DPS policy to include blindfolds

DPS plans to have all officers wear blindfolds or horse blinders when driving because, “if we can’t see their face, we can’t tell their race.” 

Public Safety requests guns to ensure the safety of a completely deserted campus

Public Safety director Clark Livingston took the CT on a tour of all the potentially dangerous locations where students currently aren't.

Here’s how Barry can still win

It's 1986. It's 1962. It's 1988. It's 1981. It's 2020. It's 1991. It's 2024. It's 2016. No matter the year, Bernie and Barry Sanders share a destiny.

Bernie Sanders continues to exist

Sanders hopes that coronavirus strengthens the case for Medicare for All, which would make finding out your hospital has run out of ventilators free.