Humor

The beeping revolution: A timeline of events

The alarms became more and more regular. Soon enough they were ringing every day in Wilco. There were endless complaints. They had no idea how much ruin was in store for us all.

Tips and tricks to acquire a declining daddy

Success is not guaranteed. Results may vary. Talk to your Doctor (Chatbot) if you think a Declining Daddy may be right for you.

Help! My professor is an AI

It all began to add up. I wondered if it was possible for the University to outsource our learning to an AI that was capable of teaching a course.

Junior sets prestigious record for amount of student organization rejections

As of this semester, a Rochester junior has successfully been rejected from all 359 clubs and organizations on campus. Chad Spike, who wished to remain anomalous, spent three years getting kicked out, turned away, and barred entry from literally every organization on campus. 

How the Boy Scouts failed nine year old me

You may or may not know this, but the Cub Scouts have their own version of Girl Scout cookies. For the non-suburbanites, they call it Boy Scout popcorn.

Mystery upstairs: What’s that noise?

I swear I’m returning to a primitive amoeba-like state now that all my classes are virtual. We’re only three weeks in and already I’m going crazy.

Dr. Chatbot sued, loses medical license

In early February, Dr. Chatbot was arrested and indicted on over 10,000 counts of malpractice. Due to the doctor’s uncanny ability to change their appearance seemingly at will, and therefore their ability to slip past monitoring systems, they were deemed a flight risk and detained in cells across the web. 

10 kinds of tinder users, ranked by rarity

With Valentine’s Day passing by, Tinder usage has increased astronomically. People start swiping right like a trigger-happy protagonist in a Tarantino movie.

Will U(zi) be my valentine?

The man, who insisted on being called Rocky, was found outside of Strong in the middle of the night on Feb. 13 with multiple gashes and a small diamond and metal backing lodged in his forehead.

How to reclaim valentine’s day

You’re probably sitting in your dorm playing solitaire, eating Kraft singles, singing the latest hit singles. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean that you can’t love the day of love, so here are 10 tips to enjoy Valentine’s day solo.