Humor

Cease and desist, humor editors!

Please, I beg of you, please stop sending me emails. I’ll do anything! I’ll take an 8 a.m. class with mandatory attendance! I’ll fill out Dr. Chatbot every day! I’ll fix my sleep schedule! Anything! Truly!

Friendless friendsgiving

So, you want to hold a Friendsgiving, but there’s just one problem: you have no friends. Well, settle down, my lonesome pupil, you’ve come to the right place!

CT is pro-mask… until…

Next time your friend or housekeeper or workshop leader mentions their mask smelling like eggs or sweat, don’t give them the side-eye or raise an eyebrow like the experience is completely foreign to you.

Zombie groundbois take over University post-Halloween, face little resistance

“Bwaiiiiins!” was the rallying cry of the undead rodent army that took over River Campus this past week, slaughtering countless students for their juicy, powerful thinking meats.

Rochester water party: The full story

Water bottles are being stolen from wandering students by particularly passionate protestors and dumped in sinks, toilets, and in some cases, thrown directly upwards in the air.

November’s champion: Spooks, sleighs, or squawks?

There is one question which haunts, jingles, and squawks in the distance — which holiday is November really about?

CT Eats: Brainnnns

It smelled absolutely wonderful, and the texture was the perfect level of vomit-inducing for my taste. 

A case of mistaken identity

Bro! Campus is infested with zombies!

Rocky gets sexy, then swarmed

She and her friends brainstormed all the sexy costumes they could think of, such as a sexy Veggie Tales, a sexy “drop dat apple” Isaac Newton, a sexy Griswold v. Connecticut, and a sexy Grab & Go sandwich, until finally they arrived at sexy Rocky the Yellowjacket.

UR Shitpost

In Todd, I can be the one to flush the blue bleach in all five stalls Monday through Friday.