Humor

Public Safety find secret mice cabal: Adderall for all

A secret adderall-slinging organization run by the mice that live in residential housing was uncovered this week by Public Safety officers.

YoUR confessions are safe (with administration)

UR confessional pages have, unsurprisingly, become part of our school culture in the way that only chaotic, irresponsible, student-run programs can.

Slim Goodbody is back, baby!

Slim Goodbody is the bane of worlds, and the conqueror of hearts and minds. He is enshrouded in fear, mystery, and a 4000 dollar costume.

First-years officially classified as invasive species

Based on the first-years’ recent growth patterns, it is imperative to curb the first-year infestation before they take over Burton and Crosby as well.

Does Jeff Runner even run? The answer may shock you!

We ran a poll, and, astoundingly, of the four people we asked, not  a single person reported having ever seen Jeffrey Runner run.

Carnivorous dandelions are coming to campus

To cut down on the campus’ unmanageable yellowjacket infestation, a UR professor has released her research on breeding carnivorous dandelions.

Long-line epidemic sweeping through campus; Line vigilantes rumored

That’s right — the line epidemic is sweeping across the UR campus with no signs of slowing down.

UR not connected

WiFi has been disabled all day. Whatever. Not my problem. Maybe I’ll fix it tomorrow. Maybe not. Probably not.

Breaking news: First-years still have a will to live

They are so full of hope it makes any upperclassman sick with the realization that they, too, were once full of bliss and a will to live.

Journal of a lonely student exposed, published in Museum of Natural History

The deepest caverns of my psyche are stuffed with gauzy, stringy globs of caterpillar silk and rendered inaccessible. Welcome to my twisted mind.