Satire

Disobey the no-guest policy as an act of civil disobedience

I encourage the rest of campus to follow suit in my noble endeavor to stop the unjust laws governing our campus and really stick it to the man with me.

Fighting back against voter fraud

All my Facebook friends have now been informed, except for my grandson. He’s a communist because he told me that we should “count all the votes.”

A day in the life of University middle management

If you consult the delegation guidebook, you’ll see that crises on River Campus are delegated to the Dean of the Faculty of Arts, Sciences, and Engineering.

A President who will cut the malarkey!

The Biden transition team has put forward a platform, “We pledge in our first 100 days to abolish the scourge of malarkey in all of its forms.”

Letter to the Editor: Tinder isn’t working for me

Maybe “I’ll make you feel like Donald Trump makes America feel” isn’t a great opening line.

Wake up sheeple!

Decked from head to toe in sheepskin vests, fluffy boots, and sheep-adorned masks, you’ll never guess what twist this group of FOX News viewers pulled on the “ridiculous CDC regulations.”

Soylent-Quarantine for Halloween

Our scientists and witchcraft students have invented a new kind of food that not only can feed our students, but has all the saccharine empty calories of Halloween candy.

Message to the UR community on recent controversy

In the spirit of supporting our students and retaining a happy campus, we have decided to create an environment of blissful ignorance.

Anti-racist DPS policy to include blindfolds

DPS plans to have all officers wear blindfolds or horse blinders when driving because, “if we can’t see their face, we can’t tell their race.” 

Freshman Cooking Basics: Ramen

If you’re not willing to compromise in the carcinogen category, I’d opt for Maggi noodles, which contain 25% more lead and MSG than Maruchan ramen noodles.