Narratives

Confessions of a homicide-report hopeful

Am I hopeless? Is it the murder victim #70 shirt I wear? I keep it updated every week, to make sure I’m on top of everything. Besides, they leave the torso intact so it would make everything so much easier. 

Browser hijacker… set me free

Sometimes I think maybe I should feel more threatened by whatever hawkish algorithm has its claws in my beloved Google Chrome. But this algorithm is less like a hawk and more like a pigeon — it really does not have the killer instinct that you’d expect of a newfangled browser-hijacker in the year of our Meliora 2021. 

Crimson Geese

. I’m always so curious to know what drives people to madness — to see just exactly what it was that chimmied a man’s changas.

Journal of a lonely student exposed, published in Museum of Natural History

The deepest caverns of my psyche are stuffed with gauzy, stringy globs of caterpillar silk and rendered inaccessible. Welcome to my twisted mind.

D-Day balloons hijacked by pirate ghost

According to historical records found in a deep, nearly forgotten corner of Rush Rhees Library, Captain Sykes was ridiculed by his piratical peers for choosing to ply fresh waters.

Got lamps?

I landed on the bright idea of @URLamps, the new designated spot for all UR students’ lighting fixture content!

New quad animal reported, dubbed QuadScrat

From the Humor section: Outside, the squirrel clung tenuously to that skinny branch, jaw clamped on his acorn. Then came the wind. Rochester wind.

How alligators made an April Fool out of me

I was curious as to what was so important. As it turned out, he had a very specific query. “How do you feel about alligators?”

To all the Uber drivers I’ve loved before <3

From the April Fools section: Here’s to you, boys. Thank you for serving our streets and for bringing a light to my life. I will never forget you.

The diary of a student forgotten in Whipple Park

Hello to whoever finds this in the future. My name is Chad Spike, and I’m quarantining in Whipple Park because I got COVID-19.