Aries (March 21-April 19) – I sure am glad to have a Starbucks on campus. Now I can finally put my Italian 101 knowledge to use!

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – I wonder what Alanis Morissette thinks of a condom company named after a historical event in which an impregnable city was flooded with unwanted men.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Remember, no one suspects chocolates of containing roofies.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – A recent study has shown that the happiness of a couple follows a 28 day cycle.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Hitting the blue handicap button as you pass does not count as holding the door for someone.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You will begin to question your prowess in the bedroom after you receive a C- from the professor you were fooling around with.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – When late to class, it’s best to walk in with a swagger and make a scene. The professor will love your confidence.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Darwin considered the success of an organism to be determined by how much it reproduces. You would be amazed at how unsuccessful people with a 4.0 are.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Why do today what you can copy tomorrow?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – When you go to the doctor for a rash on your penis, he’ll tell you not to worry about the little things.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – I wonder how much the taxi services of Rochester paid UR to invest in tiny buses for senior nights.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Hate talking to people? Buy a Blackberry! You’ll never have to engage a person face-to-face again!

(If you believe this then you believe that the Courage Bowl wasn’t fixed.)

Goncharov, your new favorite Thanksgiving tradition

Imagine if Die Hard had a guy braining another guy with an ice pick and then tossing him into a fish pond. That is the magic of Martin Scorsese’s “Goncharov.”

Please watch ‘Bigtop Burger.’ I am begging you.

If you aren’t watching Bigtop Burger, you should be. There is, quite frankly, no excuse not to watch it.

‘The Crucible’ is a theatrical romp

There is blood, dirt and grime, and behind the scenes, there is blood, sweat and tears poured into this production that you can feel palpably on stage.