Aries (March 21-April 19) – If your voice is a little hoarse from losing your head at the St. John Fisher game, just remember that a little horse is a pony. And ponies are fun!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – If you know someone new to campus, make sure they feel right at home. Tell them to take out your garbage and empty the dishwasher. If they don’t, tell them they can’t go to Six Flags this weekend.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Is the first full week of classes too much to handle? Try balancing a set of dishes on one hand and three portable safes on the other. That’s what I thought. Go back to class.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Find a mulberry bush and go around and around and around it. Good, now dive into a rose bush. Do the backstroke. Now go to the hospital.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Don’t you know you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day? I do, that’s why I stain all my tighty-whities red.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Did you ever wonder why Tarzan is wearing leopard-print animal skin when he lives in the rain forest? There are no leopards in the rainforest – some panthers – but no leopards. Maybe Tarzan is not only King of the Jungle, but also an avid traveler.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Libra Libra Bo-Bibra, Bananafana Fo-Firbra, Me My Mo-Mibra – Libra. Also, the sun will come out tomorrow.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Greek Salad! Yay!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning? You have Sagittarius drag him home and hold his hair back while he does the porcelain dance. That’s what I do with all my drunken sailors anyway.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You will have a dream that you’ll be on a school bus headed toward a chocolate factory in Australia. Also, the chocolate factory will have a bar, a club, a pool and a medic. If you don’t have this dream, pop some acid, because it would be a fun dream.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Let’s hear it for the boy. To be sensitive, the girl, the man, the woman and the transvestite, as well – who may have the best of both worlds.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Put boots on all the parking vehicle vans so they can’t drive around and give you a boot. Put one on those funny little electric carts that people drive around in too. And lastly, eat a lot of carrots.
(If you actually believe this, then you really did go to Convocation to hear the speakers.)
Lax can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.