In light of the University’s new no-visitors policy, students must find more creative ways to get blackout drunk with strangers, complain about orgo lab, and drown out the sounds of the excessive sex.
My neighbor Jane and I have come up with a few creative (albeit convoluted) ways of sneaking each other into our dorms, and we are happy to share our methods.
- The Lil Jon
This one is named as such because you will be catapulting your body from the window to the wall. First, make a rope with whatever you can find: shoelaces, twizzlers, the little strands of hair left in the dresser from whoever lived there last. Have your roommate make a harness with said rope and secure several knots. (For more information on harnesses and knot tying, we recommend contacting your local BDSM community. College Feminists can help.) Next, attach a basket large enough to fit a small human to the rope and jump into the basket, flinging your body from your window, through your neighbor’s window, and against their wall. Don’t worry about the physics of this. We promise it will work.
- Embracing the SqURm
If you’re a first-year, significantly behind on your CT lore (how could you?!), or someone who simply doesn’t keep up with current trends, you probably don’t know that the University’s TRUE mascot is actually a fuzzy, pink, human-sized worm-on-a-string named SqURm. Forget whatever the orientation team told you about groundbois, this little guy is the real deal!
First, step into your favorite SqURm costume (if you don’t have one already, you can pick one up at the CT office, a conveniently located pit-stop on your way to the Pit). Next, have your roommate tape suction cups all over your body. Once you’re covered head to toe in suction, head to your friend’s dorm. Take a running start, and undulate your body up the wall like so.
If you’re interested in learning more, we suggest reaching out to UR Rock Climbing Club about starting special events on scaling brick buildings, asking the American Society of Mechanical Engineers for suction cup methodology, or talking to any member of CT about Embracing the SqURm.
Make a hole in the wall.
- Stolen Identity
Spend some time studying your friend’s roommate. Have your friend slowly steal articles of clothing over the course of a few weeks or months. A sock one week, a shirt another, maybe some pants from the dryer. Once you have collected a full outfit, your transformation is complete, and you will be virtually indistinguishable from your friend’s roommate. We encourage you to put your own spin on the roommate as well. Accessorize with jewelry, wallet chains, and layers, and if you think they could use a new hairstyle, try one out! Have fun with it! Their RA will never know (unless you get caught in a Spider-Man meme situation. If this occurs simply spin around in a circle very fast with the roommate until the RA can’t tell who’s who). Their room is now yours; do with it as you please.