Dear Club Penguin,
This is BigFlippers306, a long-time player of your game. I was just informed by a colleague of mine about your plans to shut down Club Penguin next month. This is a huge mistake, and quite simply the worst thing to happen to anyone anywhere.
I don’t know why you would quit on such a shining example of American innovation. No other country in the world could so ingeniously create an icy virtual world where people can communicate through cartoon penguins.
What kind of people quit on such patriotic masterpieces? Losers! Sad!
Maybe you’re quitting because you’re choosing to invest in a whole new platform. Maybe you think this makes you non-losers. Wrong! This makes you even bigger losers. Why not keep Club Penguin going, in addition to creating a new game? Every smart businessman knows it’s never a problem to split your time and resources between two projects. New York is a big city. Wait, ignore that last part. I told you to ignore it so you have to.
Maybe you’re quitting like the big losers that you are because you think global warming will melt your snowy world and all the penguins will die. If this is this case, I am writing to assure you that that is stupid.
Global warming is a hoax! I am literally freezing every single day, so it scientifically can’t be real. My doctor says this might be a symptom of me being the first ever cold-blooded human, but quite frankly my doctor is a big idiot loser.
So don’t worry! Club Penguin’s ski lodge is safe! The iceberg will remain afloat! I have proof that China is behind this whole climate change conspiracy. Have you heard of China? What about Taiwan? Did you know Taiwan is kind of in China but kind of not? Why does no one tell me these things? Anyway.
I am going to list all the things that make Club Penguin great so you will stop your absurd plan to shut it down.
1. The game is educating a whole new generation of Americans. It’s easily better than public school. But really what isn’t? You little idiots probably didn’t even mean to, but you have created a virtual tundra that is microcosm of the real world. Ninety-nine percent of the players play for free, and are limited to the game’s most boring features. They can pretty much only sled down the ski mountain. Which I am amazing at, by the way. The other one percent of players can get their parents to buy them a VIP membership, and therefore enjoy absolutely everything Club Penguin offers with no restraint. They can buy fitted penguin suits and long penguin ties to their heart’s content. They can furnish their igloo to look like a gorgeous Manhattan penthouse. And, best of all, they can rub all of this in their poorer penguin peers’ faces, as is their well-earned right. This is just how the world works, and the sooner these dumb kids learn that, the better.
2. I love Club Penguin’s use of censorship. As you know, any penguin that uses his words to offend another penguin is immediately banned from the game. This is great. Bans are great. I have the best ban, but yours is pretty good too. I think your model of censorship should be implemented beyond Club Penguin. More specifically, let’s use it to silence the most corrupt and villainous voice existing in our great nation—the media. Yep, the whole thing. You write fake news, you’re silenced forever! You read something from the New York Times, you’re deported! You get hired at CNN, you’re fired! One can only hope. Club Penguin’s harsh censorship also teaches your members a valuable lesson in creativity. Since typing words like “loser” and “idiot” will get you banned from Club Penguin, the players have to get inventive if they want to assert their superiority over their fellow penguins. I like to use really innovative adjectives like “bad” and “nasty” myself. “Rosie O’Donnell-like.” “Handicapped.” I could go on.
3. I am really good at this game. You claim on your website that this is a “social world” that cannot be “won”, but you are wrong. I won it. BigFlippers306 wins it every single day. I have bought every virtual product Club Penguin offers. I have all the puffle pets in every color. Trust me, I know puffles. I have the best puffles. No one knows puffles like me. And all my puffles love me, you can ask them. Because I am the winner of Club Penguin, I feel personally attacked that you would even consider ending it. I cannot tell you who I am, but I will tell you that I am a very important man. Literally millions of people showed up to see me the other month, no matter what “the media” or “facts” say. That’s how important and handsome and beloved I am. Now, I’m not saying that if you don’t keep Club Penguin going that you will mysteriously disappear without a trace. Except I am. I am saying that.
Now that I’m sure I have changed your mind and you’ve already begun writing your apology statement, let me share with you my recommendations for ways to improve Club Penguin. The option to make your penguin a brown color should be abolished. That’s all. Now get to work.
P.S. Barron—I mean a colleague—has just informed me that Club Penguin was created by Canadians. I retract everything I wrote. Go ahead and end your garbage game. I never liked it anyway.