Due to an inaccurate title for professor of Russian and Director of the Russian Studies Program Kathleen Parth printed in the Campus Campus Revolution months ago, the Russian studies program has been terminated.
The title of the article was also changed to fit the space, further reducing any interest students might have in the department.
“It’s all your fault,” Parth said. “Soon you will feel my terrible, terrible wrath.”
Students seem to be completely unaffected by the decision to eliminate the department. “We have a Russian studies program?” junior Mike Bavli said. “That’s great, but I really don’t care about this at all.”
Investigation to begin into Provost Phelps’ real job
After years of ambiguity, campus administrators have become concerned over the actual terms and conditions of Provost Charlie Phelps contract with UR.
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE DOES!!! BUT I KNOW IT’S UNDER THE COLLEGE AND I WILL SOON TAKE OVER, ERR… ASSUME THE POSITION,” Dean ‘Sly’ Willy Green said. “WHAT’S A PROVOST?”
After looking into Phelps’ history, it appears he has no real job at UR. “We uh did one em’ back the around checks on him uh huh. Turns out he has no job here. Just plum showed up one day. Seems no one wanted to say anything against the provost,” Director of COPS Wally Mauldin said. “By the way, I like them french fried potaters. Mmmm hmmm.”
Phelps reportedly has left the country, taking with him several million dollars from the alumni slush fund.
President Jacko’s Office declined to file charges after being questioned about the slush fund.
“Dirty robbing bastard…oh wait…” Jacko said. “That was off the record.”
War protesters turn violent against ITS printing
In an unprecedented action for UR protesters, the ITS Center was suddenly rushed by a large group of students that had been protesting outside the steps of Rush Rhees.
“Down with the paper man,” the anti-war protesters jeered as they approached the bustling over-priced printing center. “He don’t own us!”
Soon white arm bands were flying and being used as jamming tools to destroy the ‘evil printer man.’
Ink streaked the center and mangled fabric was soon mass-produced for just ten cents a copy.
The surviving ITS Center workers declined comment but were seen grimly smiling at the carnage of printers.
UR Veg secret leather fetish unveiled
“It was horrible. There were dead animals, particularly cats, everywhere,” Director of Safety Dan Laugherty said.
The fetish was discovered after reports of odd smells from Anderson Tower had been filed. Soon stains were found on the ceiling of floor five, and then security became involved.
UR Veg declined comment but reportedly smirked when reporters mentionned rumors of a possible tannery operation.
“No comment. But in my defense they died happy. We made sweet love to them first. MOO!” Nathan Nobis said.
Reporting by Uh does that imply journalistic integrity?
