Settle down children and let me finish my tale of the revolution that changed the world. There are many stories about the founding fathers. Trust me when I tell you that none of these men were outstanding citizens who cared about their country. This is bullshit propagated to make the early leaders of our country seem like godly figures. The truth is less perfect and significantly more seedy.
People remember George Washington as the “father of our country.” His many illegitimate children would probably remember him as something different. Washington loved his whores. A lot of the army’s strategy came from the fact that good ol’ George was a horndog who chased the hookers from state to state and took the army with him. More on him later.
Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin and John Adams used to smoke an unholy amount of weed together, so it was no surprise that they were asked to write the Declaration of Independence. To get amped for this monumental occasion, they bought out all of Nathaniel Kerry’s stash of weed. This launched Kerry’s business and became the basis for today’s “War on Drugs” which pumps out awful commercials featuring kids who are afraid of getting high.
Jefferson was perhaps the biggest bitch of the group; he was a tight-ass with his money, even refusing to buy his first wife a fur coat on a lame excuse of “PETA will care.” Coincidently, his first wife died.
Ben Franklin, the most gregarious of the founding fathers, also had the most diseases. His trips to France led to a myriad of sexual diseases that had even the best doctors stumped (to be fair, doctors back then also believed that bleeding would cure syphilis).
Adams ended up married to the ugliest woman in the colonies, one that many had thought would end up an old maid. In fact, the 1764 senior class at William and Mary established a betting pool that gave Abigail a 3-1 chance of ending up a spinster. Needless to say, they lost and Jefferson never forgave Adams for taking his money. Did I mention that Jefferson had a massive gambling problem?
We pick up the Revolution action on Dec. 22, 1776. On this night, George was getting his freak on with his current squeeze, Betsy Ross. However, she came in to inform Washington that she was pregnant and that he would hear shortly from her attorney regarding child support payments. As you can imagine, this did not sit well with the commander, and he plotted a way to get away from her. He heard that some Germans from across the Delaware River were throwing a massive Christmas party and there were likely to be some disreputable women there. He sent a note to the Hessians that the American army was coming for some food and entertainment. Unfortunately, none of the Hessians could read Washington’s handwriting, and they ignored his note. When the whole Continental Army showed up on Christmas night with booze and condoms, naturally the hosts were confused. Seeing no women at the party, George Washington supposedly cried out, “Dammit, you lying German bastards – this is naught but a sausage-fest.” In his rage, he struck and killed the leader of the Hessian band. And the rest, as they say, is history.
While all this fighting was going on, Paul Revere and Sam Adams were searching for their beer. They even traveled to England and endured the lousy food, the dour weather and the awful accommodations. They soon learned that King George had sent the remaining bottles of booze to India. So Revere and Adams boated down to India where Revere became enamored with the locals while Adams searched and ultimately found his beer. Paul Revere would later die in India, STI-ridden, never again able to drink beer or eat meat again, because he unintentionally married a Hindu woman.
Back in the United States, the war was winding down. In 1783, the rebel army finally trapped and defeated the British army at Yorktown. The story begins when the French came over to help the rebels beat the British. As you may know, the French and Americans have always had a rivalry that dates back to that fateful evening in 1783. General Lafayette got into a pissing match with Washington. They decided that this could not be settled in a regular tavern and instead devised a race from New York City to Florida. First one to get to Miami got Molly Pitcher in all her naked glory. So the race began and, coincidently, George Washington ran into the British at Yorktown and decided, “Hey, I’m way ahead of that cheese-loving douchebag Lafayette, let’s do a little ass-kicking.”
Meanwhile, Lafayette, who took boats because everyone knows that French people hate walking, got into a tousle with some British at Chesapeake Bay and decided, “Well, I’m way ahead of that whoremonger Washington, let’s kick some ass.” And that is the story of how the British were surrounded and forced to surrender and end the American Revolution. In case you’re wondering, George Washington won the race and hooked up with Molly Pitcher. And he got the genital warts to prove it.
Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2009.