My time here is sadly coming to an end and I regret to inform you that this will be my last article, for I will be vanishing until further notice. Now that our time together must come to a close, I will leave you with some important advice and information about sex that is critical for one to know.

Never date a tall, well-endowed man with long flowing hair and a larger than normal space between his eyes who also tends to drink excessively. Based on university studies, personology and body language signals, the experts have come up with this set of characteristics as the ones to avoid when seeking a male partner because they indicate that he won’t be faithful. So if your boyfriend fits the above description, he is “undoubtedly” cheating on you. But don’t worry, if his face is oval-shaped you’re in the clear. This indicates that he’s a homebody family man. I personally am not sure which is worse.

Have lots of sex and make it good because great sex will make you feel terrific by releasing endorphins into your body. These hormones elevate your spirit while also boosting your immune cells and creating feelings of happiness. The chemicals responsible for these wonderful feelings are serotonin and dopamine and both are influenced by diet and lifestyle. It’s recommended that women eat foods high in vitamins A and E and boron, which is a trace element that helps produce sex hormones. Men need supplies of zinc and vitamin B.

Don’t be such a baby about the fact that your boyfriend won’t introduce you to his friends. It means he’s ashamed of you and just wants you for sex. Know your role.

Don’t try to cover up your your natural scent, for it is a very powerful thing. It is an instinctual sexual arouser and one of the main influences on who we choose to have sex with and how much sex we will have with them. Long ago, when Austrian villagers realized the importance of body odor and pheromones when it comes to attracting mates, they began placing handkerchiefs under their arms during village dances. The handkerchiefs would soak up their sweat and later be used to woo the women. In the 1800s, French prostitutes discovered the power of their “parfum de femme” and decided to dab their own vaginal fluids behind their ears to attract customers. Let’s bring these traditions back to life!

Never ask if it’s in yet. It’s offensive. And never believe him when he says he’ll pull out. You can still get pregnant because there are active sperm in pre-ejaculatory fluid. And he may not have the control he thinks he has when it actually comes time to withdraw. It’s also possible that he has no intentions of pulling out at all and is simply lying. So guys, don’t tell her you’ll pull out.

Those are my parting words. Think about them and always wear a condom.

Foster is a member of the class of 2009.



Hard work can’t beat talent… or can it?

Talent is not what most people think it is. The good news is that most of the people we think are talented are actually just really well-disciplined, and we can learn to do the same.

Quiz: Should you overload next semester?

Do you have friends/a social life? "A. If my laptop, iPad, and three-foot stack of biology notes count, then yes."

Comic: UR sus

Failure to complete tasks results in expulsion from this school.