Aries (March 21-April 19) – Buy a flashlight. You’re going to need it when three feet of snow gets dumped on you instantaneously. You can use the flashlight to give off heat and melt the snow. You can then drink the water and use the energy to tunnel back to your room. Stay there until April.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Classes might seem tough this term, so get a new hobby to distract yourself from the rigorous academics. Try collecting stickers or licking things that are blue.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Don’t eat the yellow snow. It’s not healthy.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – The stars are very well aligned for you this week. The little white one is right next to the other white one, and there’s this funny yellow dot in between them.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – I saw a commercial for a combination treadmill/StairMaster. Don’t buy this thing. They say it’s like walking in sand. There’s a sandbox nearby, behind the Interfaith Chapel. Tell these exercise buffs to start exercising their mind, not their retardus-maximus.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Someone new will approach you this week. Be open to meeting new people and welcome new experiences. Among these experiences might be leap frog in hoola skirts – two thumbs up.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – So you’re the person that’s always weighing your options and being indecisive. Well, make up your mind on this – “The red dot is a square on the days when the blue square is a red dot.”
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Feeling stressed? Tell the guy who wrote the horoscope for Libra to get some inspiration and stop wasting Libra’s time.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Practice striking a pose in your mirror for about 25 minutes a day. Someone is stalking you through the little cracks in your blinds. You might as well not look so candid all the time. Put some clothes on, too.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – It’s all bubble gum and good times for you this week. How sweet is that? Seriously, I couldn’t think of anything for your horoscope.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Turn the beat around. Can you feel the percussion? Can you? If not, turn it up and get it goin’ on. Let loose this weekend, you’ll come out on top, promise.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Invent a way to cover Rochester with a huge bubble that can be heated during the winter months. If you do, I will give you a hug.
(If you actually believe this, then you just dug yourself out of all that snow.)