Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You control your own future, and as a member of the global conspiracy, everyone else’s, too.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Some surprises may be in store for you this week. However, it is unclear whether these surprises will come in the form of winning the lottery or getting hit by a bus.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – It’s time to clean house. You need to say good-bye to your old ways and make room for the new. This may mean it’s time to throw out those Wham! posters.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Don’t be afraid to take a break from all your stressful work this week. And next week as well, your work is pointless anyway.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – This week is a good opportunity to let your emotions run wild. Tell that special someone how you truly feel, or finally get the nerve up to ask out that person who sits in front of you. But don’t run too wild, or else getting arrested for harassment may also be in your future.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Try to be more patient this week with those around you. Your talent is superior, but your inability to overcome the language barrier hinders your progress.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – If it feels right this week, then go for it, whether that is running that red light or jumping over couches to grab that can of Surge.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Readjusting the priorities in your life is a good way to spend this week. It is foolish to continue hoping for a guest spot on “The Grind.”
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Stop fooling around. Seize the moment at hand and complete those tasks that you have been avoiding. There is no better time than now.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Feel free to pat yourself on the back for a little while, but remember, they are always looking to best you.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – The fact that Arnold was elected governor has tremendous implications for your future. What kind of future that is remains a mystery.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Take time this week to engage your artistic whims. Paint, sculpt or take a photograph.
(If you actually believe this, you’ve been eating too much lead-based paint, you should really cur that out of your diet. This is not to be taken seriously.)
