By abba

Classic Entertainers

In response to increased incidents of crime on campus as well as a March 13 letter to the Campus Campus Revolution, President and CEO of UR, Inc. Thomas “Jacko” Jackson and UR Security Chieftain Wally Mauldin are coordinating the destruction of the footbridge, which links River Campus to the 19th Ward.

“Them city people been comin’ over the bridge causin’ trouble like it’s their job. They bring the ruckus – especially that time they stole a ham,” Wally said.

Next week, on a yet unspecified day, Wally has planned for a public “shindig” in which the UR community may bring pick axes, sledgehammers and any other tools to begin the destruction of the bridge.

After that, Wally said, the bridge will be doused in a napalm-like substance and set on fire. If that doesn’t do the trick, Wally continued, explosive devices will finish the job.

“The best part is, we’ll get it all on camera! I’m selling copies of the event for $25. Don’t quote me on this, dude, but for $50, I’ll sell you a video of the time me and the other security guys got drunk, put on masks and mugged some random kids. Then we got some more brews and drove around, got pulled over and beat up a couple RPD officers. It was fuckin’ sweet. The video shows the whole thing, dude!” Wally said.

A festival is planned to celebrate the absence of the bridge and will include a live Christian rock band, barbecue and open bar with free beer and liquor and will take place next to former site of the bridge.

“Let’s go shot for shot, dude. We’ll get sloppy drunk,” Wally suggested.

Jackson feels the destruction of the bridge will foster a better sense of community on campus and that the parent who wrote a letter the CCR calling for the destruction was “right on.”

“The [destruction] will provide a better [connection with] the nice parts of – the city,” Jackson said.

“Why the hell would anyone go over there anyway?” Wally asked. “People don’t use the bridge to go to the 19th Ward – it’s all the other way. In my opinion, these people are trying to write checks that their asses can’t cash,” Wally said.

Once the bridge is destroyed, Wally said, the rubble will be fished out of the Genesee and dumped sporadically throughout the 19th Ward, adding to the “authenticity” of the “sketchy”neighborhood, “dude.”

“If this doesn’t [work to prevent crime on campus] I’m talkin’ to Jacko to try and let the kids carry guns to protect themselves from those sketchy bastards. I carry a shotgun in the trunk of my [security] car. I think everyone’should be able to take security into their own hands, you know what I’m sayin’, dude?” Wally proclaimed as he showed off his collection of hunting knives.

“This is off the record, too, but without guns, we can’t get do much against them [criminals]. So, I’m thinking we’re gonna equip the boys [UR Security] with some M-16s, just like our boys in Iraq,” Wally said.

“It’ll be like a militia, dude. Wouldn’t that be cool?”

Abba can be reached at dancingqueen@discofever.com.



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