Aries (March 21-April 19) – All out of ink in that printer? Go find yourself some octopi and ink them. Fill up a Dixie cup and refill your printer. It’s how HP does it, and you’ll get it at wholesale prices! Never underestimate the power of a good deal.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – V-neck, crew neck, cowl neck? The important thing to remember is that you have a neck. Also note that it’s attached to your backbone. And hey, if you look good in a cowl neck while doing it, is that your fault? Fabulously not.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Did Valentine’s Day not quite live up to your expectations? Well, there’s two ways to view this. One, there’s always next year. Don’t fret your day will come. Two, lower your expectations, maybe you’re just a little too unforgiving.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) -Have you heard that new song by the Bing Bong Brothers?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Raar, you leo, you lion, you king of the jungle. Hey listen, stop putting “in bed” at the end of every fortune cookie reading. It’s just not a funny joke anymore. Raar.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – It’s about time you and I had that talk about having so many talks. I know things may seem hard right now, but everything happens for a reason, and it will all turn out for the best.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – No one in front of you this week. You are, in fact, the luckiest person in the world.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Milk and cereal, cereal and milk. Some things really are the same both ways. Don’t be so blind as to only see things one way, you’re not always right, and that’s OK.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Some might say that holiday decorations should be taken down after the holidays. Isn’t Valentine’s Day a holiday? Who can say you’re not allowed to celebrate Valentine’s Day with green, red, blue and yellow lights and an animatronics nativity scene?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Tell Sagittarius to shut up.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) -If you really want my autograph, please just walk up to me like a normal human being and ask for it. I’m sick and tired of pushing the ladder off the balcony when you’re climbing up it. It’s cold and icy out there. I just don’t have the patience.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Are you a glass is half empty or half full kind of person? It’s not how you view some of the picture – it’s how you view the whole thing.