Aries (March 21-April 19) – Walk everywhere backwards. I’ll call you backwards kid, or should I call you kid backwards? Get it? Keep your pants on this week – it’s going to be a chilly one.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Tippy tay on da tippy tie. Wadda ta. In other words, the average velocity of an African whooping sparrow is 57 knots.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – If you eat a bowl of Hershey’s Kisses with the foil, your poop will be shiny. Yay!
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You’re going to soar this week – like an eagle, over the snow capped mountains of the Colorado Rockies. If you are an eagle, however, you must have feathers on your feet. It’s a prerequisite.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – You are the king of the world. However, that makes you Leonardo DiCaprio stuck on some boat about to strike an iceberg. But, there is good news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Aruba, Jamaica, ooooh I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahama, come on pretty mama. Key Largo, Montego, baby why don’t we go. Way down to Kokomo – we’ll get there fast and then we’ll take it slow. That’s where I want to gooohhhhoohhh. Way down to Kokohhooomoooo. These are more than just song lyrics.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Happy Birthday. Treat yourself to an ice cream cake from the Corner Store.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – I’ll run away with you – to an alley, an island, a parking lot. Doesn’t matter, cuz we’re in love. Don’t tell the other Scorpios.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Put boots on all the parking vehicle vans so they can’t drive around and give you a boot. Put one on those funny little electric carts that people drive around in, too. And lastly, eat a lot of carrots.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Friday night I crashed your party. Saturday I said I’m sorry. Sunday came and I actually don’t care about your party at all. Sometimes you won’t always get what you want, but defeat only makes success that much sweeter.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – The more you get rejected, according to probability, you become one step closer to acceptance. Keep putting yourself out there – you’ll stick. I promise.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Try dipping your favorite thing in chrome – to preserve it and make it shiny – unless it’s a candy bar, that’s just not worth it. I like Milk Duds.
(If you actually believe this, then you really do think that that the alums won’t be gawking at you and wondering if they ever were that young.)
Lax can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.