Aries (March 21-April 19) – You think you know, but you have no idea. I have all the ideas in the world. They call me the idea guy. Signed, sealed and delivered. It’ll be a good week for you, I’ll give 37 patents.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Love hurts when it jumps up and bites you in the ass. The good thing about love is that it has no teeth, just kung-fu, vice-grip jaw muscles.Gemini (May 21-June 21) – We all like bumpin’ systems. A little base, a little Ace of Base, you’ll see the sign this week. Keep your eyes peeled and don’t ignore the obvious. If you keep your wits about you you’re going to have a very productive week.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Need to write a 10 page paper? A good technique to extending the size of your paper – just staple extra pages onto the back. Who said anything about 10 pages of paper with ink on them? I didn’t hear anything about that.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Keep your head up. Things might hurt immediately, but everything irons itself out. Forget the future and ditch the past, live for today and build lots of model airplanes.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Toast every sandwich you get this week. It’s been proven that toasted sandwiches help whiten teeth. Seven out of 1,907 dentists agree.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Although you cannot speed up, slow down or reverse time, you can waste it. Don’t waste it, you’ve got a lot of promise and opportunity.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You will find Prada shoes in your closet tomorrow.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Wish you were a little bit taller? Wish you were a baller? If you had a girl and a phone you’d call her, right? Yeah, thought so. Since I know everything, I’ll tell you a secret – whispering is overrated.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – I know everything. You know something. Between the two of us, we own the world. I’m the primary shareholder, though. Eat lots of noodles this week – they are good for your intestinal track and fight kidney stones.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Do you believe in miracles? I do – take the suitcase with wheels on it for example. Miracle, pure miracle. Go perform a small miracle this week – it’ll get back to you later, I promise.Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Don’t drink that coffee! You’ll burn your tongue! Also, reach for the stars, but wear protective gloves – those things really hurt if you touch them. Ouch!

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