People have been asking me for the past week if I am upset that President George W. Bush won the past election, and I have been answering “no.”

After all, he did win both the popular vote and the Electoral College fair and square, and there are no recounts, voting failures or widespread disenfranchisement that we know about, so I cannot reasonably be upset.

I am disappointed, however, that 51 percent of Americans voted for Bush. I would like, if I may, to remind those Republicans and Independents who voted for him what they actually voted for, divided by the three most popular reasons – moral, economic and foreign policy.

Abortion – You are against abortion because innocent life should not be wantonly destroyed. I can understand that, believe me.

Yet, at the same time, killing innocent civilians is perfectly acceptable. Or, to simplify, innocent white babies must be protected, while innocent brown babies, children, adults, etc. are fair game. I suppose George Carlin was right when he said, “If you’re brown, watch the fuck out, before we bomb your ass!”

Homosexuality – You are against homosexual marriage because God supposedly said that it is against his will and those who participate will burn in hell.

And how is this different from as little as 50 years ago, when we banned interracial marriage because it was against God’s will? Hmm, interesting how things evolve, eh?

Economics – If you make over $200,000 per year, you’re a selfish bastard who cares only for yourself and believes the rest of the population can go to hell. If you make under $200,000 per year, you’re an idiot.

Foreign Policy –

You voted for Bush because you believe that the Republicans are members of the party of peace and Lincoln. You believe that the war in Iraq and the War on Terror are necessary conflicts which have no basis whatsoever in conquest. Keeping in mind that yesteryear’s Democrats are today’s Republicans and vice versa, let us look at their track record, aka American military history.

Revolutionary War – One of the main reasons we rebelled against the British is because a decade earlier they prevented us from conquering more Native American lands. American colonists protested loudly when the British made their decision, saying they needed their “living space” for more Americans to live. Sound familiar to a vegetarian, small-moustache-toting fellow?

War of 1812 – Begun when the American government and population launched an unprovoked attack on Canada, claiming they were liberating their Canadian brethren from British oppression. Canadians answered with a resounding “no,” and the Americans burned the Canadian capital of York (now Toronto) in retaliation. Ever wonder why the current capital is so far away from the American border?

Mexican War – Unprovoked invasion of Mexican territory which ended in one of the most blatant one-sided wars of conquest in modern history, fought solely for gaining territory. But hey, they’re brown, so who cares, right?

Civil War – The North fought to free the slaves. Really. Then why did it take an extra 100 years to end?

Spanish-American War – Unprovoked attack on Spanish colonial possessions in the Western Hemisphere, in the name of “liberation.” The islands of Cuba, Puerto Rico, Guam and the Philippines were returned to their native peoples immediately and without incident.

Occupation of the Philippines – Mainly white Protestant American troops conduct a brutal occupation against a brown population, which is of a different religion. Sound familiar?

World War I and World War II – in Europe the U.S. seems to do fine.

Korean War – Conflict to support American protectorate near Communist China.

Vietnam War – If you don’t know what was wrong with this war by now, I give up.

Iraq I and Iraq II – Protection of a vital American economic interest – oil.

As I finish my article, with my tongue so firmly in cheek I’m having trouble getting it out, I leave you with this quote – “As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.” – H.L. Mencken

Enjoy your heart’s desire!

Newmark can be reached at mnewmark@campustimes.org.



New Interim Dining Director speaks on fall dining expectations

Campus life is coming back into full-swing, and this new semester is bringing changes to the operational hours, options, and student expectations surrounding dining.

Coffee and tea in Riverview G: Take a look into C Side

Sick of Java’s, Spot, and Starbucks? Junior Deborah Johnston and senior Katie Hurwitz may have a low-key, completely free option…

What happened to the joy in life?

You’re suddenly faced with a harsh reality — work is sucking up all your free time. What happened to the joy in life?