Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Didn’t like your horoscope last week? Me neither. It was awful. Here’s some advice – kick back, relax and enjoy the scenery. You’ve only got four years of college and chances are most of it is gone already. Please don’t worry – be happy.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Mmm, pretzels. Go eat some.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Time for you to play guess the word. Think you got it? Nope, you’re wrong.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – There’s something in the air this week that smells like fresh cut flowers. That means that this week is going to blossom for you. What does that mean? Consult the nearest fortune cookie.Cancer (June 22-July 22) – This week is going to rule. Kick back with old greeting cards, “Dirty Dancing Havana Nights” and a pint of Phish Food. The “Trading Spaces” marathon is on at 8 p.m.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Curl up in bed with a good book two nights this week. Even if you can’t read, you can always impress people by faking to read when you could be watching TV or hunting rabbits.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Revert your speech style to the early ’90’s. Use words like “slammin'” and “boom-shaka-laka.” Now go write a haiku.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Everyone knows that you need to find that special someone. So get off your lazy butt and do it. Nobody likes a couch potato, but people do tend to like baked ones in the winter months. Guess what season is right around the corner? Don’t put yourself in the microwave.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Get out and do some community service. Start with cleaning my room, then take care of the leech problem in the Pit’s water supply. You’ll go to heaven for that type of thing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) – Make a wish. Now throw a penny into a well. Too bad it wasn’t a wishing well. You just lost a penny. Sorry, I’ll give you $4 declining for causing trouble.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. The guy next door never uses Scott’s variety of healthy lawn care products. So keep mowin’ and growin’ and your grass will be the greenest.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – The best thing about your week to come is this – nobody here doesn’t like you. Keep expanding your social circle and being huggable 24/7. It’s going to pay off.
(If you actually believe this, then you are still addicted to TheFacebook.)