Scorpio (Oct. 23?Nov. 21) ? I sense that doing your homework is taking up time that you could be using to watch the Ernest movies. All I’m saying is that maybe you should start to think about how you’re spending your days.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22?Dec 21) ? If you put on your golden tiara and proclaim every Thursday Tiara Day, people will start to hate you more. So just keep Tiara Day to yourself, OK?
Capricorn (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) ? You know those little animals that live in your clothes at the same time you’re wearing them? Everyone told me that they thought that was gross, but I actually think it’s kind of hot.
Aquarius (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) ? Here’s a hint ? everyone else in your life except for you is really a robot. Good luck getting them to admit to it, though.
Pisces (Feb. 19?March 20) ? What kind of wacky adventures does the week hold in store for you? The stars haven’t told me, but I saw them bringing a large, anvil-shaped package up the back stairs of your house. This is gonna rock.
Aries (March 21?April 19) ? Don’t ask me why your life sucks so much. It’s probably because you’re taking astronomy. That class is hard. Spacetime what?
Taurus (April 20?May 20) ? You should build a blanket fort tonight. It’ll be even more fun than you remember.
Gemini (May 21?June 21) ? It wasn’t the little kid’s fault that he broke your cat’s toe. “A toe for a toe” is a stupid idea, anyway. What were you thinking?
Cancer (June 22?July 22) ? You know the Aquarius fortune up above? That’s right, you’re a robot. Don’t tell Aquarius!
Leo (July 23?Aug. 22) ? This week, you should eat more candy and less real food. It will boost your immune system and make your hair shiny. Can I just say that I love candy? I am not going to lie to you.
Virgo (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) ? Being mean to professors is like playing with fire. They might start to hate you and then you’d never get A’s anymore or graduate or anything. Another thing that’s like playing with fire? Playing with fire. Just don’t. Not this week.
Libra (Sept. 23?Oct . 22) ?Oh, Libra. How many times do I have to tell you? Playing cards is all well and good, but not when you’re playing with giant scary demons who keep trying to get you to bet with souls instead of quarters.
(If you actually believe this, I hate you. This is not to be taken seriously.)