I was close to tears during “The Batman’s” final act, and I couldn’t tell if it was the three-to-four hour sleep schedule I had been on for the week finally taking its toll, or if it was because I was emotional from watching what may be my dream Batman depiction. I watched this movie in Toronto, and even though I was surrounded by some of the nicest people in the world, I was totally ready to fuck someone up after watching Robert Pattison beat the living hell out of everyone for three hours.
This movie is bat-tastic, and might be the best Batman film of all time — scratch that, best comic book film. Want to fight me on that fanboy? Have fun getting into a conversation with someone that not only knows the whole fictional history of Batman, but the socio-economic history of Batman. I’m a barrel of fun at parties. This movie is not only Batman, but one of the first comic book films that is generally an actual honest-to-god movie rather than a superhero thrill ride.
Hop on director Matt Reeves’ bat-ride that is basically all the best Batman stories remixed into a hit single. Reeves sticks to the winning bat-formula, where instead of funding education programs, stable low-income housing, and community programming, Bruce Wayne chooses instead to dress as a bat and cripple people in the night instead. Honestly, one political science class would show Batman just how insane he is and the hundreds of non-insane ways he could actually fix Gotham. But that wouldn’t be as fun for us now would it? It’s kind of like how UR loves to talk about how it’s one of the biggest employers in Upstate New York and could do way more for the community, but only does just enough for the tax credit.
Robert Pattison’s Batman also demonstrates why therapy is a good investment. Paul Dano’s Riddler is fucking terrfying, and showed me that I watch too many serial killer shows because it’s weird I know what the body language looks like for when a killer is getting off on a crime, right? While this movie is a lot of talking, it makes sense because it’s a detective noir. At least the plot makes more sense than “Spider-Man: No Way Home.”
You know what? I’ll say it. While I enjoy that Peter Parker finally becomes Spider-Man and not Iron-Boy at the end of the movie, “Spider-Man: No Way Home” is terribly set up. Peter Parker got his aunt killed over the fact that he didn’t get into MIT! You’re telling me out of all of the reasons Parker wanted everyone to forget he’s Spider-Man, it’s because he and his friends didn’t get into MIT? Three out of four UR students got rejected from Cornell, and we all seem to be doing fine. I’m sure it helps some of you that your parents describe UR as a “Secret Ivy” to people, but it feels like no one gave Peter the, “it’s okay if you get rejected” talk. But yay, at least the two Spider-guys from your childhood came back for the check! Don’t even talk about the bat-plot and bat-run-time of “The Batman” if you think “Spider-Man: No Way Home” is a good movie instead of a fun Six Flags roller coaster.
Anyways, Zoe Kravtiz can stomp me out on a curb. I mean, uh, did you know that she drank milk like a cat for the film? Wait not that, ummm, she’s a really good Selina Kyle, her acting is raw and beautiful? She steals every scene (get it, like Catwoman?) and she stole my heart. Everyone else was cool too. The Gotham Greg Fraser built in this movie makes me feel like I was going to get murdered in an alleyway, so that was also bat-cool.
The bat-thesis at the end of “The Batman” is that what Gotham needs is not a guy dressed as a Bat running around delivering bat-vengeance, but bat-hope. But what “The Batman” showed me was that I must start a crusade where I find you of the cowardly lot stealing other people’s Uber and GrubHub deliveries on campus, and break your kneecaps while listening to Nirvana’s “Something in the Way.” So stay bat-tuned for that!