UR Joking
big back
Food package party: “big-backing”
It’s all just a marketing scheme to steal money from us poor consumers and give them to Big Chip. Read More
aramark
University divests from prison labor, cites excessive costs
Saving money is no easy task for the newly self-operational UR Dining Services — especially when trying to fill the non-slip shoes of a company famous for its lax policies regarding labor, health, and safety. Read More
cake
Research proves birthdays are fake
Not only are birthdays fake, but also they suck. If your birthday falls on an important holiday, you’re cooked. Nobody cares about you! Read More
bacterium
Breaking: new bacterium discovered in first-year communal bathrooms
The bacterium — officially dubbed Gilbertella freshmanii — appears to thrive under conditions researchers describe as “uniquely vile,” feeding on shaved pubes, three-month-old Axe body spray residue, and perpetually damp towels. Read More
meatball sub
The riddle of the kiosk
I was soothed only by the feeling of security that came with knowing nobody else could take my 2FA-protected sandwich. Read More
2 a.m. ramen
2 a.m. ramen cures everything and solves your problems
A single cup of 2 a.m. ramen has the power to cure seasonal depression, fix your failing GPA, and reignite your Welcome Week situationship. Read More
condiments
Sausage fingers
are the fingers edible? Why are their mouths frothing with mustard and ketchup? Are the hotdogs spraying out ketchup? Read More
D-Day
Following D-Day example, University professor tries to bag the huzz
Rattled by Pope Francis’ death, 89-year-old University professor Ben Dover decided the only way to find peace was to watch this year’s D-Day performer, Ferg. He later recounted to the CT that this was a great decision, as he quickly got over his grief when he “saw the huzz.” “In my old age, I just […]
bathroom creatures
Showerhead danger
Bathrooms are dangerous. That is a fact. There are many things that could go incredibly wrong in a bathroom. Whether it’s drowning in a toilet, drowning in the sink, drowning in the shower, or the worst of the all: slipping when getting out of the shower and hitting your head on the opposing wall which […]
brain wrinkles
Roachester’s new delicacy
Now, the next time you get charged by a roach after entering Simon Business School or have to play with way-too-small beetles, just scoop them up with your hand, roast them, and now you have a perfect meal to enjoy. Read More
