In a turn of events that surprised absolutely nobody living in the First-Year Quad, water samples taken from the brownish mystery puddles in the communal bathroom of Gilbert Hall have revealed the presence of a never-before-seen bacterial species according to the Department of Biology Friday.
“On one hand, this is a groundbreaking discovery and deserves to be preserved,” microbiology major and resident advisor Owen Lopez said. “On the other hand, I’d really prefer not to wear a hazmat suit just to brush my teeth.”
The bacterium — officially dubbed Gilbertella freshmanii — appears to thrive under conditions researchers describe as “uniquely vile,” feeding on shaved pubes, three-month-old Axe body spray residue, and perpetually damp towels. More alarmingly, early studies suggest the organism, much like many Gilbert Hall residents, can survive almost exclusively on Genny Light and Douglass Dining chicken, suggesting that it is an extremophile in nature.
“The bacteria’s ability to thrive in the inhospitable conditions of Gilbert Hall is truly remarkable,” biology professor Thomas Smith noted. “Frankly, the potential research applications are endless. Imagine a species hardy enough to survive Chernobyl, the far reaches of space, or the weirdly warm bathrooms in Morey.”
While the CDC has not yet released an official statement, UR Health Services has advised first-years to wear shower shoes at all times, avoid physical contact with bathroom surfaces, and purchase protective masks from Hillside Market at the “special discounted rate” of 19 Rocky Bucks per box.
Despite the announcement, residents of the hall remained largely unconcerned. “Dude, this isn’t even the third grossest thing that’s happened in that bathroom, nothing about that place really phases me,” said one anonymous freshman, waiting for the “least sticky” shower to open. “Honestly, the mystery hair in the drain scares me more.”
At time of publication, one Gilbert freshman was reportedly seen ingesting a sample of Gilbertella freshmanii “for the vine” claiming it would “either make [him] invincible or get [him] out of [his] 9 a.m. CHEM 131 lecture.”
