Governments around the world don’t want you to know this, but humans are actually created in test tubes in top-secret labs hidden deep in the Earth’s core. As part of my investigations into these labs, I followed a group of researchers through the depths of an Alice-in-Wonderland tunnel. After they donned their birthday suits in front of me, the researchers led me into the Earth’s inner core, and their findings were utterly shocking: There were stretches of tubes in every direction, filled with what appeared to be human building blocks.
The building blocks were similar to cooking ingredients. Used in a certain order, the researchers observed that they were able to create humans. Specific ingredients were connected to different traits. Samples were taken, and, interestingly enough, the “toxic” traits added to humans seemed similar to the ingredients in the sweet and spicy chicken from the Pit’s Global Wok.
So, why do our governments push the birthday scam? It’s simple: money. The U.S. national deficit is growing, and they need a way to solve it. That’s where birthdays come in. For a birthday, you buy cake, gifts, and party supplies, all of which costs money (“cakes for capitalism!”). However, with birth rates falling because people would rather own 6–7 Labubus than care for a child, there just isn’t enough birthday-related spending to run the world. As a solution, some policymakers are increasingly pushing for anti-abortion policies. After all, increased birth rates create more labor and more birthday consumers, making the economy skyrocket.
Still don’t believe that birthdays are fake? Think about this: Were you there for your birthday? Do you even remember the day you were born??? What if your parents are lying to you, like they lied about Santa (sorry, am I bringing it up too soon)?
Not only are birthdays fake, but also they suck. If your birthday falls on an important holiday, you’re cooked. Nobody cares about you! Got a birthday close to Christmas? You probably know the pain of combination gifts (one present for Christmas AND your birthday). Even worse, if your birthday falls on an unfortunate day in September, just make sure you buy more than two candles…
For normal birthdays, your “friends,” a group consisting of people who are fun to hang out with individually, become a bad mix when put together. Just when you think you’ve survived their off-tune singing and awkward fidgeting at cake time, you’re suddenly presented with gifts that are initially pretty cute, but forgettable after they fall in the crack between your desk and the wall. Birthdays are shit! They’re stupid and overhyped!
Anyways, December 2 is my special day, so if anyone wants to stop by Sue B. with some cake or anything, I prefer red velvet.
