Humor
Humor
Rising above, making the most of a messy situation
I clean up after all your meals. You fall asleep on the couch. You never leave the house. You bark when someone knocks on the front door. You have your own personal trash disposal under the couch. You shed. You are my best friend. No, you are not a 250-pound Newfoundland, but my lazy, randomly […]
Humor
Can somebody tell me what all the whining is about?
I was six-years old. It was the first grade. Mrs. Franzianz had just finished chewing out my friend Donald for not staying in his seat during calligraphy. I was scared and there was no talking sense to her, but I had an urgent problem. The girl sitting next to me refused to listen to me. […]
Humor
Warner School still resents move, cites love as cause
Since the announcement in March 2011 that the Margaret Warner Graduate School of Education and Human Development would relocate from its long-occupied space in Dewey Hall to Raymond F. LeChase Hall, which opened its doors on Jan. 16, many in the University community have expressed excitement at the prospect of the new building. After Dean […]
Humor
Rizzo shrine found, evidence suggests recent rituals
Early on Monday, Feb. 25, a cache of ritualistic artifacts — including robes, pentagrams, and voodoo dolls resembling Economics Professor Michael Rizzo — were discovered amid the construction of the Ronald Rettner Hall for Media Arts and Innovation. Construction workers found the artifacts early Monday morning and, by Tuesday, professors in the archaeology department […]
Humor
Controversial children’s television lineup announced
Global media conglomerate Comcast has announced a new station to expand its operations to kids, taking placid programming to edgier places. This change comes as a way to accommodate the ever-shifting preferences of young viewers. While the entire line-up is still in flux, undisclosed sources have leaked a few of the shows that will air […]
Humor
Give me my grade, or give me death
My professor passed back essays yesterday. Like most students, I blew past the illegible comments and went straight to the grade. At the bottom of the page, in blood red ink, read “B+/A-.” What the hell is that? Is it a B+ or an A-? A B+ says, “You clearly put in the effort, but […]
Humor
LSAT updated with new essay question
Sources report that in an unprecedented move, the Law School Admission Council (LSAC) has added a second additional essay section to the LSAT. Unlike the first essay which uses randomized prompts for each test, the second will ask the predetermined question: “Do you even lift?” According to LSAC Chair Marcellus Wallace, the updated test will […]
Humor
Heartbroken singles swarm UHS for free Valentine’s Day counseling
The lines outside University Health Service were uncharacteristically long this morning, Feb. 14, due to a massive increase in student interest for the University Counseling Center’s psychotherapy program. The turnout is completely unprecedented and too much for UCC to handle, forcing it to recruit psychiatry residents and medical students from UR Medical Center as well […]
Humor
‘Seligmania’ sweeps country after surprise announcement
Reports of “Seligmania” are sweeping the United States, Puerto Rico, and scattered Amazonian villages after University President Joel Seligman announced a potential 2016 presidential bid on Tuesday, Feb. 12. “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they’re here to stay,” said Seligman, in reference to the fiscal cliff, in […]
Humor
Ramblings of a devoted fourth floor pooper
I feel as though I must apologize to the anthropology department. I must apologize for the smell. You see, I exclusively poop in the men’s bathroom on the fourth floor of Lattimore, where the anthropology professors reside. Although I try to poop there as often as my schedule permits me to, it only smells if […]