Late Sunday, Oct. 13, peace officers arrested Rocky the mascot for public indecency. According to the police report, Rocky was “drunk beyond recognition” and had to be pepper gelled by Director of Public Safety Walter Mauldin himself after attempting “inappropriate conduct under the clock tower.”
University President Joel Seligman reportedly tried to use the 3D printer inside Rettner Hall to create a yellow jacket tranquilizer to calm the still belligerent Rocky. Mauldin attempted to lasso Rocky on the steps of Wilson Commons but proved no match for the winged beast.
Rocky continued to sting four alumni and two members of the pep band, sending three into anaphylactic shock. Members of the Sting Unit, a committee under the University Health Service, were called to the scene, only to be stung themselves.
Responding peace officers arrived to the scene nearly 20 minutes later and managed to lure the beast into The Hive where it fed on ketamine-laced Blimpies. Rocky is currently incarcerated at the Monroe County Correctional Facility. Rocky and has since resigned from his position as UR’s official mascot.
“My name is Rocky, and this is my confession,” Rocky said. “There was an open bar and rich alumni. I didn’t really have much of a choice.”
The former mascot had apparently published a 10,000-word manifesto on his Tumblr hours before the incident.
“No more half measures,” it read. “No more watching this school’s despicable excuse for a football team.”
The hunt has been on to find a new mascot. One of the more popular proposals has been Women’s Caucus’ suggestion of a gender-neutral candidate: the dandelion. Similar to Stanford University’s cardinal, the proposed dandelion would be botanically relevant. Seligman said he would be “very receptive” to the idea of breaking down the gender boundary with UR’s mascot.
“Diversity is something this school is and will always be about,” Seligman said. “Asexual is the new sexual. Tons of single-celled organisms and plants are doing it. The least we can do is give them a voice.”
Schaffer is a member of the class of 2016.