On Tuesday, at 12:01 a.m., the Students’ Association (SA) officially shut down as lawmakers failed to agree on a budget for student activities. The impasse comes after weeks of vociferous debate over the first major policy achievement of the current administration, the Affordable Club Act.

“Flat funding for all political and religious groups is an important step forward for our campus,” SA President Shilpa Topudurti said at a recent press conference. “Over 45 students on campus don’t have any type of funding, and this law will change that.”

Despite its already being a done deal, opponents of the measure continue to stand firmly against it, refusing to pass a budget unless Ms. Topudurti agrees to delay or defund the program.

“We need to destroy Shilpacare. Period,” sophomore Senator David Stark, one of the opposition’s leading jerks, said. “Clubs are stupid and also dumb. The student body is overwhelmingly against this draconian measure.”

Incidentally, Stark cited neither facts nor logic and likely did not remember what he was even talking about.

Senior Class Senator Jessica Bendes also took on a central role in the debate with her 21-hour filibuster in Senate chambers last Monday.

“She just sat there reading ‘Green Eggs and Ham.’ I know she had a big test in her Early Childhood Literature class at Warner, but it was pretty annoying that she made us all sit there while she studied,” Rachel Getsby, a sophomore in the gallery, said. “Like, for reals.”

The lapse in funding is expected to have a significant impact on daily campus life. Notably, all non-essential students will be asked not to come in to their club’s weekly meetings.

“This is a legal distinction and not a reflection of your value as a club member,” SA Vice President Greg Corrado said. “Seriously though, if you’re always just texting in the back of the room so you can put it on your résumé, just stay in your dorm and play video games or something.”

The economics department estimates that over 75 percent of all club members are completely useless to their organization.

“I didn’t realize how far-reaching the shutdown would be,” freshman Michael Furrow said. “I went to the Ramblers show the other night, and they didn’t even have any instruments. They were just singing. It was sad, really.”

In addition to equipment funding, the Safe Ride program has been summarily suspended. Until this service is restored, officials expect party-going to decrease by as much as 30 percent. Incidents of drunk freshmen stumbling back from Riverview and getting totally busted by Pubic Safety are expected to rise between 10 and 15 percent.

No one knows just how long the shutdown will last, but that hasn’t stopped students like senior Nick Prichett from guessing arbitrary lengths of time with feigned political insight.

“Oh, that shit will be done by like Friday for sure,” Prichett said. “My suitemate’s lab partner is on Senate. I know this shit.”

At the time of print, lawmakers were seen caucusing over F’real milkshakes at Hillside in hopes of reaching a deal.

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Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…