With summer just around the corner and the school year winding down, many students are “checking out” — but so are administrators.
When asked his opinion on Busta Rhymes as the Dandelion Day performer, the recent worry over campus security in light of the Boston attacks, and the success of “Bash by the Books,” Dean of Students Matthew Burns explicitly stated: “Ain’t nobody [sic] got [sic] time for that.”
“Well, I woke up to go get me a cold pop,” he said. “Then I thought somebody was [BBQuading].”
Burns, residing in a glass-enclosed, fifth-floor Wilson Commons perch, oversees all student activities and programs and is an avid fan of the ever-popular panda-bowl-strawberry-milk Pit combo. While usually actively involved in student happenings and “Game of Thrones” discussions, Burns seems to have lost interest.
“Don’t try to get on my good side, Truvy,” students heard him shout. “I no longer have one.”
It’s hard to fault the man. With weather now consistently holding at a blistering 50 degrees, no one wants to do anything but sleep on the quad.
“Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it,” Burns lamented. “I’m swamped.”
It’s easy to attribute this lackadaisy to summer daze, but Students’ Association Communications Committee Chair Rishi Sharma saw something more.
“Dean Burns is usually pretty funny, but a lot of what he’s been saying recently is distinctly unoriginal,” he said. “If you’re going to be lazy, at least try a little harder. I’m pretty sure he’s just been quoting YouTube and movies.”
“Honey, time marches on, and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face,” Burns retorted.
Others besides Sharma have expressed concerns, but most merely hope for a fresh, productive fall semester.
“You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles,” Burns said.
Esce is a member of the class of 2015.

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