Early Tuesday Morning, Starbucks’ High Commissioner on Innovative Policy Jim Bean announced a new plan that would, according to numerous sources, have “huge implications on the River Campus.”
The plan would allow for water from the Genesee River to be used in Starbucks beverages, including coffee and tea.
Radioactive waste that is detected will be filtered directly to a facility that has been built beneath Wallis Hall. To demonstrate his support of the program, University President Joel Seligman has agreed to house the waste inside his office.
“To be candid, this is a monumental step for the University,” Seligman announced. “We take our local programs seriously. Starting today, we will only drink the water that is closest to us. The taste of the Genesee represents the quintessential Rochester experience — one of shit, disease, and ultimately, death.”
When asked about what the nuclear facility located below Wallis Hall would be used for, Seligman announced that in order to compensate for the minimal 2012-13 tuition increases, the University would be developing weapons-grade Uranium to sell to the highest bidder. Steven Chu, according to Seligman, has already signed on as head of the department.
“[To be candid], [Chu] has taken numerous trips post-[Secretary of the Department of Energy] Resignation to interested parties,” Seligman said, adding that “this is vital.”
A self-described “lawyer”, Seligman nervously stated later in the interview, “Integration of not only the University, but also the entire City of Rochester, is vital in our current economy. It is not our University’s obligation to enforce laws and shit. So global nuclear power is not out of the question.”
Starbucks’ policy has received overwhelmingly positive student opinion. UR BlueCrew, which had its preliminary status extended Monday, April 8 at SA Senate, has put its full support behind the policy.
BlueCrew’s integration on campus will make it the SA’s propaganda wing, preemptively entitled “Blue Brother.” Headed by Rocky, Blue Brother has strongly encouraged the student body to affirm Starbucks’ new policy.
“BlueCrew puts its full support behind any company or organization that encourages UR spirit, be it even in the color your face turns when drinking the water in question”, multiple members of BlueCrew said. Coincidentally, four members of Senate and various committees affiliated with the SA currently hold positions on Blue Crew.
Because BlueCrew has so many members directly affiliated with the SA’s Policy and Review Committee, it expects to move past preliminary status and directly into the dorm rooms of UR students, running solely on the fuel of “conflict of interest.”
“When you don’t see spirit, you are denying Blue Brother,” Seligman said, establishing himself as an ardent supporter. “The lack of school spirit on campus is a matter we take very seriously.”
“Nuclear waste in our drinking water will make us smarter. Selling nuclear weapons makes us stronger. All hail Blue Brother,” they all chanted.
While most remain faithful, there is a clandestine resistance movement brewing deep within the bowels of the Genesee. The dorm room infiltration and Starbucks’ branding have irked the vigilant around campus.
University President Joel Seligman was not available for comment.
“To be candid, I am not at liberty to give any information on the current situation at this time,” Seligman said.
In the meantime, Starbucks will continue to stock its Gennesee Blend, and Landsburg and Seligman continue to clash.
Schaffer is a member of the class of 2016.

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