Humor
Humor
Starbucks, Seligman, Blue Brother convene
Early Tuesday Morning, Starbucks' High Commissioner on Innovative Policy Jim Bean announced a new plan that would, according to numerous sources, have “huge implications on the River Campus.” The plan would allow for water from the Genesee River to be used in Starbucks beverages, including coffee and tea. Radioactive waste that is detected will be […]
Humor
A tragic case of Streeptococcus
On Monday, April 8th, former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher passed away due to a stroke. Despite the alarm that many felt upon hearing the news, though, Thatcher had recently been struggling with many health issues. Perhaps most serious was her bout with Streeptococcus. As a strong and at times controversial politician — as well […]
Humor
New Southside study abroad option ignites controversy
Exactly one year ago, on Sunday, April 1, 2012, in an exclusive interview with the Campus Times, Ned Rockheimer, the acting director of the United States Geological Survey, announced that Southside, the housing complex on River Campus traditionally known as the housing favorite for the University’s elder or asian undergraduates, had been slowly shifting farther […]
Humor
Santorum correct: women do not belong on the battlefield
“When you have men and women together in combat, I think men have emotions when you see a woman in harm’s way, I think it’s something that’s natural that’s very much in our culture to be protective.’’ - Rick Santorum, February, 2012, NBC “I do have concerns about women in front-line combat. I think that […]
Humor
Take Ten Program to postpone job search for graduates
Citing high unemployment and a dismal job market, University President Joel Seligman announced plans to extend the current Take Five Program by an additional five years. The program, which has been aptly renamed “Take Ten,” will cater specifically to seniors unable to secure a job after graduation. “Like its predecessor, the Take Ten Program will […]
Humor
Rising above, making the most of a messy situation
I clean up after all your meals. You fall asleep on the couch. You never leave the house. You bark when someone knocks on the front door. You have your own personal trash disposal under the couch. You shed. You are my best friend. No, you are not a 250-pound Newfoundland, but my lazy, randomly […]
Humor
Can somebody tell me what all the whining is about?
I was six-years old. It was the first grade. Mrs. Franzianz had just finished chewing out my friend Donald for not staying in his seat during calligraphy. I was scared and there was no talking sense to her, but I had an urgent problem. The girl sitting next to me refused to listen to me. […]
Humor
Warner School still resents move, cites love as cause
Since the announcement in March 2011 that the Margaret Warner Graduate School of Education and Human Development would relocate from its long-occupied space in Dewey Hall to Raymond F. LeChase Hall, which opened its doors on Jan. 16, many in the University community have expressed excitement at the prospect of the new building. After Dean […]
Humor
Rizzo shrine found, evidence suggests recent rituals
Early on Monday, Feb. 25, a cache of ritualistic artifacts — including robes, pentagrams, and voodoo dolls resembling Economics Professor Michael Rizzo — were discovered amid the construction of the Ronald Rettner Hall for Media Arts and Innovation. Construction workers found the artifacts early Monday morning and, by Tuesday, professors in the archaeology department […]
Humor
Controversial children’s television lineup announced
Global media conglomerate Comcast has announced a new station to expand its operations to kids, taking placid programming to edgier places. This change comes as a way to accommodate the ever-shifting preferences of young viewers. While the entire line-up is still in flux, undisclosed sources have leaked a few of the shows that will air […]
