Early on Monday, Feb. 25, a cache of ritualistic artifacts — including robes, pentagrams, and voodoo dolls resembling Economics Professor Michael Rizzo — were discovered amid the construction of the Ronald Rettner Hall for Media Arts and Innovation.


Construction workers found the artifacts early Monday morning and, by Tuesday, professors in the archaeology department announced that they had dated the artifacts to as far back as 2008 through advanced, ultrasensitive radiocarbon dating techniques. According to departmental records, the date coincides with Rizzo’s arrival at the University. As a final remark, the professors noted that the artifacts indicated signs of being used as recently as last week.

An anonymous source associated with the underground cult has contacted the Campus Times and identified the group as “Rizzo-ians of the Finest Order.” In addition, the source confirmed the intent of the organization: to stick to the traditional values of F.A. Hayek, believed to be God, and Michael Rizzo, believed to be a personification of the almighty being’s spirit on earth. John Maynard Keynes, according to the source, is considered a being equal to the devil in both power and ideology. When he was asked his opinion on the matter, departing Pope Benedict XVI had no comment.

“Fake beards are a main part of the overall role-playing experience of being everything that Rizzo is,” added the source.
A case of DVDs was also found, with clips believed to document every one of Rizzo’s in-class quips. The DVDs were promptly confiscated by the economics department’s propaganda minister who, upon special request from the department, has not yet been identified by name. Though his duties normally consist of the dissemination of newsletters, the Propaganda Minister remains a controversial figure within the Economics Department.

The videotapes themselves depict a string of odd behavior among students in Rizzo’s classes, consisting of extraneous laughter at jokes observed by numerous experts to be unfunny.

Rumors of a cult following have been discovered as far back as 2005, leading conspiracy theorists to believe the cult’s inception had something to with Rizzo receiving his doctorate in 2004 from Cornell University.

Cornell holds a storied past of cult involvement. It’s believed that The Big Red, Cornell’s mascot, was originally conceived in an act of devil worship.

After a thorough investigation by the Campus Times, Rocky, Rochester’s own lovable mascot, is believed to share a similarly shadowy past. Apparently what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Rumors are circulating throughout campus that Rocky is a founding member of the “Rizzo-ians,” an unsubstantiated claim that is substantiated by the mascot’s alleged private collection of voodoo dolls. These dolls are commonly used for home games.

Neither Rocky nor Rizzo was available for comment.

Schaffer is a member of the class of 2016.

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