Citing high unemployment and a dismal job market, University President Joel Seligman announced plans to extend the current Take Five Program by an additional five years. The program, which has been aptly renamed “Take Ten,” will cater specifically to seniors unable to secure a job after graduation.
“Like its predecessor, the Take Ten Program will continue to provide University freeloaders — who would otherwise be moving back in with their parents — a bullshit excuse to not do so,” Seligman said. “That will not change.”
The adjustment, which will take effect beginning next semester, was made to accommodate even the most pathetic job applicants whose current credentials probably include “customer service professional,” “chief motivation officer,” and “manager of people.”
Dean of the College “Little” Richard Feldman is confident the five-year extension will come as a pleasant surprise to students, especially those studying “less legitimate” disciplines, which can be defined more quantitatively as anything taught in Spurrier.
“Originally, Take Five postponed the task of finding a job after graduation by a year,” Feldman said. “What we’re doing with Take Ten is stalling the real world by an entire decade. This is truly revolutionary.”
While he admits that the Take Ten Program is only a temporary fix, Feldman explained the change was largely made to pacify out-of-work alumni who blame their unemployment on the University’s “deceptively open” curriculum.
“Rather than stick to the traditional, pre-med track, my freshman advisor suggested that I create my own,” said former Take Five Scholar Ben Malthus ’06, who majored in underwater basket weaving. “Five years later, I have yet to hear back from med school admissions, my parents have disowned me, and the only job offerings I get are from Craigslist’s ‘erotic services.’”
Under the guise of studying “the philosophy of consciousness” or something equally pretentious, Malthus found that even a fifth year at UR simply wasn’t enough time to find work.
Now he’s probably wishing he had chosen BME or some other money-making major. You know, like the ones with numbers and scientific stuff.
He recalls how his friends studying computer science received job offers within 14 minutes of declaring their major. Every year, he and his fellow Take Five Scholars return to their old stomping grounds for Meliora Weekend in hopes of a “meaningful” reunion.
“[My supposed friends] won’t answer my calls, texts, or tweets,” Malthus complained. “I think it’s because I clustered in calc and ‘not a real natural science.’”
Despite the experience of students like Malthus, Seligman explained that Take Five Scholars tacitly agree to take it on themselves to find a job when they participate, “just like how students who eat at Panda forfeit their chances of a blood-free toilet.”
Seligman did, however, emphasize that the Take Ten Program will minimize such issues for future alumni. When asked to elaborate, he replied, “To be candid, I’m not sure how, I’m not sure why, but Meliora.”
According to Feldman, SA Senator-at-Large and KEY Scholar Bradley Halpern will be Take Ten’s only participant — at least the “only one who could actually get a job in the meantime if he wanted to.”
“I turned down a [job] from Seligman,” Halpern said, “which would’ve involved [work]ing directly below his [office],” Halpern said.
Similar to the Take Five Program, Take Ten stipulates that participants complete a final thesis of sorts. While he has yet to finalize a topic, Halpern hinted that it will examine “motifs of Kantian empiricism and Chinese class warfare in ‘Rain Man.'”
“I think it complements my computer science degree nicely,” he added.
Yes, only at UR can you take what seems the result of a DMT bender and call it grounds for a glorified research paper that somehow costs $50,000.
“I guess Take Ten is kind of bullshit. Actually, I know that it is,” Halpern said. “At least if I put it on my résumé, it can only boost my odds of getting a job, right?”
Seligman replied, “I agree with the first part.”
Gould is a member of the class of 2014.

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