Humor
Humor
Why I don’t lift, brah
The Robert B. Goergen Athletic Center is an important part of plenty of students’ college life. But when I think of the gym, I roll over and go back to sleep. There is no need for lifting in my life. For one, my laptop is already several pounds heavy, and I have to carry that […]
Humor
Freshman fight club sweeps UR
A disgruntled freshman has leaked the existence of an underground fight club at UR, University administrators said Wednesday. The fight club reportedly began hours after the release of Chemistry 131 midterm grades last week. Teary-eyed freshman men, devastated that their medical school dreams had been shattered, congregated outside Spurrier Hall. Amid the crowd, a voice […]
Humor
Bullocks lacks buttocks in ‘Gravity’
Sci-fi thriller “Gravity” has received unanimously positive reviews, yet I was surprised that some of the film’s scientific inaccuracies were not addressed. These are the most glaring. When Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) and Matt Kowalski (George Clooney) return to the damaged space shuttle, they find an astronaut with a cracked helmet and a hole in […]
Humor
‘GTA VI’ to be based on Rochester, says Rockstar
Rockstar Games released “Grand Theft Auto V” on Sept. 17, selling over one billion copies in two days, making it the fastest selling entertainment product in history. Building on its success, Rockstar has already announced that the series’ next installment will be based on Rochester, N.Y. Each “GTA” title is set in a fictional American […]
Humor
Rocky resigns after public indecency, stinging spree
Late Sunday, Oct. 13, peace officers arrested Rocky the mascot for public indecency. According to the police report, Rocky was “drunk beyond recognition” and had to be pepper gelled by Director of Public Safety Walter Mauldin himself after attempting “inappropriate conduct under the clock tower.” University President Joel Seligman reportedly tried to use the 3D […]
Humor
UR offers new ‘Breaking Bad’ course
One of the most controversial courses offered at UR this semester is “Symbolic Analysis of ‘Breaking Bad,’” taught by the English department. Enrolled students thought they would be analyzing themes and objects that actually had to do with the plot, but on the first day of class, they instead talked about why the ketchup and […]
Humor
SA shuts down amid Shilpacare debate
On Tuesday, at 12:01 a.m., the Students’ Association (SA) officially shut down as lawmakers failed to agree on a budget for student activities. The impasse comes after weeks of vociferous debate over the first major policy achievement of the current administration, the Affordable Club Act. “Flat funding for all political and religious groups is an […]
Humor
Seligman’s Runescape account ‘hacked’
In recent news, University President Joel Seligman had an unfortunate incident on Runescape, a massively popular online RPG, in which the contents of his in-game inventory were “hacked.” “One moment I’m selling lobbies,” Seligman said. “Nek minnit [sic], I’ve been hacked.” Although he is still considered a “n00b” by most veteran players, Seligman recently completed […]
Humor
‘Faking fans’ run rampant at UR
AMC’s drama “Breaking Bad” has gained massive popularity over the years, but with mainstream popularity comes an epidemic of “faking fans.” According to actor Bryan Cranston, a faking fan is someone who finds the show entertaining but fails to comprehend basic plot points, jumps between episodes, or even picks up the show at season […]
Humor
Influx of CARE reports expected after ‘Breaking Bad’ finale
The University has taken several precautions in anticipation of the finale of “Breaking Bad,” scheduled to air on AMC this Sunday at 9 p.m. As of Wednesday, the CARE network, which aims to identify and help students in distress, has crashed due to the influx of CARE reports submitted. “The primary goal of the CARE […]
