When I came to the UR as a freshman, I was presented with the theory of “Rochester Goggles”, a concept which spawned from the lack of attractive students at the University. The theory states that once a student has been at the school long enough, they adorn their own figurative pair of Rochester Goggles and begin to see students as more attractive.

Standard threes become RG fives, sixes become RG nines, and so on. Even the most hideous of people will be at least an RG four when seen through the goggles.

While this theory seemed quite ludicrous at first, the longer I stayed at Rochester, the more I began to realize the truth behind this phenomenon.

This year’s incoming freshman class was given an all time low rating of “G” (God Awful) by a panel of students from nearby colleges.

Tom Smith, the leading Ugxpert on the panel, noted that over five students were blinded during the ranking process due to the horrific bone structure of the students.

When I arrived on campus, however, I was not met with nausea and disgust but ecstasy and delight at the wondrous sight that was the class of 2017. Thus, I decided to investigate the theory further, as there had to be a reason behind it.

Rochester Goggles should be praised as an accomplishment in modern science and human development. The goggle theory does not represent a change in the eye of the beholder, but rather the realization of a new system that far surpasses the initially flawed ranking system of attractiveness.

In grade school you are taught to get every question correct in order to get an A—to achieve perfection. However, as we are taught when we enter Calculus I as freshmen, grades need to be curved. One cannot simply expect somebody to actually learn everything taught in a class or get all the questions right.

Letts fayse it, the reel wurld is tuff & we just cant all be Inestynes. At UR, you are taught that being an A student is just about being slightly better than average. This is a common theme throughout courses at the University, as the school prides itself in producing top scholars, shown by the staggeringly high number of straight-A alumni.

Is the Rochester Goggle phenomenon not just a realization of the bell curve of attraction?

Clearly a ten cannot just be reserved for the celebrities and models of the world—in such a world, everyone ought to be ranked a one for their comparative ugliness. The goggle theory allows us to see beauty for what it truly is: a way for us to feel better about ourselves by giving everyone a higher number. One cannot simply expect somebody to actually be beautiful at Rochester.

Let’s face it—the real world is, like, super ugly and we can’t all be Enrique Iglesias. Even if you’re already an overachiever on the overall scale, you’ll still be ranked well. As a standard ten, you’ll get bumped to an RG twelve. No matter what your standard score, you’ll be better off with the new scale (I’m now an RG two!).

This groundbreaking development is critical to success in the real world and is the real value behind a college degree. Like my dad used to say, “You don’t need to be perfect when drawing your blueprints, as long as the building stands up in the end.”

Rochester Goggles embody what all adults have to eventually realize; they’re not getting any prettier, but they don’t have to be. So why stop with just Rochester? By implementing Goggle Earth, everyone in the entire world can begin viewing each other as more attractive.

There are also a surprising number of applications for this new research that stretch far beyond beauty. I believe this is the key behind the newest Goggle technology, Goggle Glass.

The Goggle Glass is a pair of glasses which takes video feeds of everything you see and makes them look better.

Anything and everything can be changed. Rochester skies become bright and sunny, Danforth looks like a gourmet restaurant, and even Douglass food appears edible. There are applications in many areas of the Goggle revolution that can help to improve every aspect of your life. With Goggle Calendar, every day becomes a holiday, you’ll never need to go to work again, and you can spend all of your time celebrating! Goggle Maps will have you in a tropical paradise in no time! One of the more innovative areas, Goggle Mail, allows you to turn spam messages into fun chain mail to send to your coworkers; to transform your contacts into celebrities; and to give your sent mail that extra bit of pizazz you’ve always wanted. Even Gootube can turn boring home movies into Oscar-worthy blockbusters. The possibilities are endless.

As the technology continues to improve, Goggle (as the enterprise that will improve every aspect of your life is now being called) plans to harness the true potential of the theory with Goggle Satellite, a device with the ability to improve humans by beaming better physical traits or personalities onto them from outer space. No longer will you have to worry about being a boring or unattractive person, Goggle Satellite will fix your flaws. Everyone will evolve into a new level of ever-better beings.

With the power of Goggle, you no longer need to accept that it is impossible to fulfill all of goals or achieve perfection. By making everything in your life seem better, it will be as if your life has achieved an all new level of greatness, allowing you to reach all new heights of satisfaction and happiness in life that you never thought were attainable.

Mitchell is a member of

the class of 2014/Take 5.

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