Every spring , UR holds Dandelion Day (D-Day, as it is more commonly known), a day where students come together out from the darkness of the tunnels to enjoy the sun and socialize.
Recently, there has been a lack of participation amongst students.
Students tend to stay indoors, opting to study for exams rather than drink with their fellow classmates.
According to a study conducted by the Dean of Libraries, 87.4% of students were found in the library last D-Day, and of those, a staggering 98.1% were so engulfed in their studies that they failed to smile the entire day.
“I can’t believe my kid is sitting in the library when he could be puking in a garbage can somewhere! When I was his age, I could drink a keg in a day. They used to call me ‘Kegger Carl,’” said parent Carl Johnson. “Now, what is my boy learning, how to be a fancy pants smarty person or something? What happened to just being a man?”
In recent years, students from the University have gone on to become, doctors, lawyers, engineers, and much more, but fewer students have been going into the country’s backbone positions such as bartending, exotic dancing, and drug dealing. With such a large decrease in employees in the entertainment industry, there are fewer legal outlets for society to spend its excess capital. In the 2013 census, it was reported that due to a 57% decrease in legal entertainment, there has been a sharp rise in illegal activity.
“It’s as if the school is advocating for people to get involved in illicit activities,” said alumni Howard Garnish when asked about the recent changes in the student body. “It’s all about the basics. Like I used to say, ‘Go you yellowjackets, puff puff pass!’”
The administration has responded in turn to the concerns with a complete plan of attack for this coming D-Day including stocking the dining halls with various forms of alcohol for purchase with declining.
They have invited LMFAO back to campus as a headliner for the D-Day concert, and they will play the chorus of their hit song “Shots” on repeat throughout the day.
“It’s our intention to ensure that students are getting the proper social experience from college, and we’re taking every measure to make this happen,” stated Dean Morgan Levy. “From replacing the water in all of the showers with tequila, to mandatory breathalyzer tests requiring students to maintain a BAC of .8 at all times, we plan to remedy the situation. Some parents even told us about the concern that their son or daughter might eat too much, impairing their ability to get drunk quickly, so we have changed the day’s menu to consist entirely of alcoholic food, including Rum Ham and Pene à la Vodka.”
While it seems good from a strategic aspect, there are a lot of difficulties in the execution of such an event. The recently appointed Public Intoxication Officers believe that the biggest challenge is in properly identifying and intoxicating sober students. “Breathalizing students is a great way to test students, but even after that many will just hide in their closets with the books until they can start studying again.
Director of Drunkurity Fischer stated, “Our typical method involves listening to the students’ doors to hear pages turning in silence, but nowadays students are becoming smarter, reading to party music and the sound of ping pong balls with ear plugs in.”
To increase the campaigns, student presence DERT (Drunk Emergency Response Team) has undergone training in order to pursue the continued inebriation of students on campus.
President Seligman commented that “…they have been taught first laid in an attempt to seduce students into drinking more. Students who refuse treatment will be forced to sign a consent form to release them of liability and will be sent to Strong Hospital to get alcohol into their system intravenously. One way or another, students will get DERTed.”
Alumni coordinator John Hurly said that “…while it’s clear that the school is taking this problem very seriously, one has to wonder whether they’re really doing everything they can for these students. Many similar schools including Washington University have gone as far as equipping students with BAC anklets to track their drunkenness in real time, alerting administration when their sobriety reaches dangerous levels. We all realize that classes are important, but equally so is training our livers to handle all sorts of situations.”
According to a national study of colleges, more than 92% of recent graduates have been of weak constitution with feeble livers. Furthermore, there has been a recent trend in hospitals of donor livers going to waste due to a lack of need for replacement. This excess supply of livers has caused a huge issue for others on different transplant lists who find themselves waiting until their death with no organ donors.
“The problem spawns from a decreased value of livers on the black market. Typically organ harvesters will take more than one organ when a ‘donor’ is under the knife,” Dr. Luke Ohvurthair said. “Livers in the past have been the highest selling organ, and without the demand for them, many harvesters are going out of business.”
‘Kegger’ Carl Johnson said that, “We parents want to stop the negatives of our students’ actions by having the administration intervene in their fun. In the worst case scenario, we’ll have to start withdrawing our students and start homeschooling them.”
Mitchell is a member of
the class of 2014/Take 5.
