Exactly one year ago, on Sunday, April 1, 2012, in an exclusive interview with the Campus Times, Ned Rockheimer, the acting director of the United States Geological Survey, announced that Southside, the housing complex on River Campus traditionally known as the housing favorite for the University’s elder or asian undergraduates, had been slowly shifting farther away from the University’s River Campus.
As a result, after completing their housing applications, more students have duly been applying for study abroad, claiming that Southside is essentially abroad. International relations majors, hoping to gain a broader knowledge of international cooking, competition over parking spaces, and the prisoner’s dilemma, have increasingly been declaring Southside as the fulfillment of the study abroad requirement of the major, the Political Science Department Chair Dr. Carl “Infidel” Castro announced.
In response, Castro has negotiated rigorously with the Study Abroad office to come to a resolution.
“To be candid, fully integrating Southside into the Study Abroad program would not only be the most fiscally responsible option, but it also substantially increases exploration of Rochester’s global culture by students,” Seligman declared. He also mentioned that including a Residential Life building in the study abroad statistics will “really up our stats in that metric.”
The move, however, has prompted some criticism. Some students currently living in Southside have had their study abroad applications denied and been forced to move out. Administrators, along with representatives from the study abroad office, have attributed this low acceptance rate to the competitiveness of the new program.
The United States Geological Survey has of late been quick to announce the increasing distance that Southside has been “migrating” ­— up to a tenth of a nanometer, unprecedented by modern standards and measurement capacities in the field of geology and geomigration.
Three students living in Southside, sophomores Wei Zhang, Weo Wang, and Wei Li, reported movement early last week.
“The whole suite rumbled, and we could hear the floor creaking as the building shook, Li said.
Valentine Tower was briefly evacuated while emergency personnel were called to the scene. Wang, who was in the bathroom at the time, vividly described the scene as a “shitstorm, quite literally, of international law enforcement, with every level represented,” meaning just UR security, who’s jurisdiction was also expanded “abroad” in response to the institutional re-zoning.
Coincidentally, the rumblings subsided after Wang exited the bathroom. Security quickly debriefed Wang, who described the tremors “at a level more traumatic than my childhood.” He announced that the strain caused so much stress that he is postponing the fulfillment of his BME requirements indefinitely and considering a dance major.
Nobody has seen him since he made those initial remarks.
Ironically, Southside will be closed late Friday and early Saturday while investigators from law enforcement, the USGS, and the Vatican will determine whether the occurrence is either a certifiable natural phenomenon or a miracle. The study abroad office is accepting blogs or journals documenting this, “once-in-a-lifeting, super unique, glossy brochure, international experience.”
Seligman stated that the University will “…use its resources to dig deeper into the matter, unclogging the drains of uncertainty and misunderstanding.”
Pope Francis I allegedly had no comment.
Schaffer is a member of the class of 2016.



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