Global media conglomerate Comcast has announced a new station to expand its operations to kids, taking placid programming to edgier places. This change comes as a way to accommodate the ever-shifting preferences of young viewers.

While the entire line-up is still in flux, undisclosed sources have leaked a few of the shows that will air beginning April 1.

The first is a real-life documentary continuing the Dora saga, entitled “Dora the Deported.” After being blinded in a freak accident on set, Dora spends the following six months touring the United States as a motivational speaker. Her former best friend and longtime lover Diego takes over creative control of her former show, leaving Clifford the Big Red Seeing Eye Dog as Dora’s only companion. The drama begins when Swiper the fox, who later finds himself in federal prison for pedophilia, tips off immigration authorities that Dora’s work visa has not been renewed (for mysterious reasons). When confronted by police, Dora insists that someone is out to get her and pleads for amnesty. This appears to work until Clifford barks out against her; later, a plot twist reveals Clifford is a white supremacist.

Second, is a revamping of the Curious George series, entitled “Bi-Curious George.” Heteroflexible George, everybody’s favorite monkey, who only wants the affection of his peers, has been fighting constantly with the Man in the Yellow Hat. Now grown up and no longer cute enough for the Man in the Yellow Hat’s attention, he seeks out love from anyone who will give it: women in periwinkle pants, men in taupe trousers, chimpanzees in salmon slacks. George discovers a new-found comfort in London’s underground club scene.  With a baby elephant taking his old room, George is forced to move into the cupboard under the stairs. Despite his home life, he comes out, and thus comes into himself. He remains resilient for he has found a new home and new friends in colorful clothing.

Lastly, Comcast is revamping Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, retitling it “Sir Roger’s Gated Community.” Roger Ebert, scheduled to be Fred Rogers’ replacement, will speak on the benefits of securely living away from anyone outside of your income bracket and the advantages of having over-the-top armed security despite this neighborhood’s extremely low crime rate relative to the rest of the city. Guest stars will frequent his estate to speak on the merits of inherited wealth, including Charlie Sheen, Paris Hilton, and Billy Madison. In addition, the show will have short skits of small children playing squash, holding etiquette tea-parties, and taking designer drugs to repress feelings of emptiness.

Whether these new programs are what the original Mr. Rogers truly wanted remains shrouded in speculation. He was unavailable for comment because he has been dead for 10 years.

Brady is a member of the class of 2015.



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