“When you have men and women together in combat, I think men have emotions when you see a woman in harm’s way, I think it’s something that’s natural that’s very much in our culture to be protective.’’
– Rick Santorum, February, 2012, NBC

“I do have concerns about women in front-line combat. I think that could be a very compromising situation where people naturally, you know, may do things that may not be in the interests of the mission because of other types of emotions that are involved.”
– Rick Santorum, February 2012, CNN

Listen up. When someone looks that damn good in a sweater vest, you fucking listen to him.
Yet, a year after Rick Santorum pointed out how stupid it would be for America to put women in combat, Defense Secretary Leon Panetta lifted the historic ban, forcing women out of the kitchen and onto the battlefield.
It’s not too late to stand with Mr. Santorum, though, and I dare even go further than he does on the issue. Santorum argued women must stay out of active combat missions due to the oft-overlooked “Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome,” and as a woman waiting for her knight in shining armor, let me tell you, I couldn’t agree more.
Santorum pointed out that men, our natural protectors of brethren, bible, and barbeque, would be at risk of death if women were to fight next to them. Since our male soldiers would be fixated on the safety of their female comrades, how could they possibly be expected to also pay attention to themselves? It would not be surprising if amid all the chivalry, men would lose focus on the actual mission. Though holding a door open for a woman unable to do so herself is considered the gentlemanly thing to do at a movie theater — and let’s be real, it’s pretty damn sexy — saying “please, after you” when entering battle is a waste of time and dangerous. Why the hell would you let a woman precede a man walking into danger, anyway?
You think PTSD is bad? Well “Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome” can really fuck with the brain. During lulls in combat — occasionally this can happen in the 10th year of war — chivalrous men will unwittingly be compelled to impress their female counterparts, wasting needed ammunition flaunting their gun skills, using up the Air Force’s necessary fuel spelling the woman’s name in the sky, and starving themselves while giving their lady an extra portion of Spam. Men will let women use the best parachutes, and walk alongside the tank just so that chick with the pretty smile can ride inside, even though she’s not in the tank unit. And those decorated generals well advanced in their years who serve to please? They will be shamed into trading supplies for generic Middle East Viagra. And when you’re on a time-sensitive mission, no one has time for a four-hour erection.
How are men to protect our country when women dare to distract them, turning the battlefield into a cable TV show?
Even if “Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome” could be quelled — and it can’t, men are angels — women themselves are the most convincing proof as to why we should not be allowed in combat. When racing off to a secret mission, is there time to ask if this AK-47 matches my outfit? No. Do these combat boots emphasize my cankles too much?
Maybe, but lace ‘em up because this goat just told me where Osama’s ninth wife is hiding. But do they come in a different color? Just wear the fucking shoes.
The battlefield is simply too confusing a place for a lady. You give her a belt for her ammunition, and she confusedly fills the ammunition-sized openings with her lip glosses and chapsticks (really a spot-on fit). Shit! A bomb went off when I was doing my mascara! Is it too smudged? Oh, and that one week a month when Mommy eats all the chocolate? All I’m going to say is I hear blood attracts suicide bombers.
Regardless of the fundamentally female reasons women are ill-prepared to take up arms in combat, there are cultural reasons which cause me to disagree with President Obama and his cult of Colbert-watchers. Mr. Santorum is right. It is simply not in our culture to let women fight for themselves. What? Are female combat fighters going to want to be paid the same as their male counterparts? Can you imagine how emasculating that would be? Think of the men! And what comes next? Are we actually going to be expected to nominate a woman for president? Oh, I don’t think so. And what about the children? I’m surprised Santorum did not address this point, I mean, come on, he has like 12 of them. Who will raise America’s children if our mothers are off killing someone else’s? Sorry Michelle, child obesity will sky rocket when Dad’s in charge of making dinner.
And so I ask you — is the need to see women in combat roles greater than making men feel good about themselves? Is it worth endangering our military missions just to have soldiers with bouncier hair? Must our children gain weight just because Mom was too far away over in Iraq to make a healthy dinner?
Unless your child is likely to be the new husky model, then the answer is no. Fuck no.
Berrin-Reinstein is a member of the class of 2015.



UR Softball continues dominance with sweeps of Alfred University and Ithaca College

The Yellowjackets swept Alfred University on the road Thursday, winning both games by a score of 5–4.

UR Womens’ Lacrosse trounces Nazareth 17-5

UR’s Womens’ Lacrosse team beat Nazareth University 17–5 on Tuesday at Fauver Stadium.

The Clothesline Project gives a voice to the unheard

The Clothesline Project was started in 1990 when founder Carol Chichetto hung a clothesline with 31 shirts designed by survivors of domestic abuse, rape, and childhood sexual assault.