Archives - CT Staff

Assistant Director of Student Activities George Morrison has left the university to embark on an international tour after revealing to the UR community that he is, in fact, George Harrison, the youngest Beatle."Despite my fatherly appearance and cute pattern baldness, I really am George Harrison," Morrison said, while noodling on his sitar. "Why doesn't anyone […]

A store of over a hundred first-born children was found in the top floor of Harkness Hall, last Thursday.The children ? ranging in age from nine months to three years ? have been identified as the offspring of numerous political science majors who have graduated since Professor of Political Science Gerald Rumplestiltsgamm became chair of […]

Yes, you heard us right ? we admit we were wrong and are planning on correcting our grievious errors. First and foremost of our list of things we've changed our mind on is freshman housing. Bringing all of the freshmen together in one concentrated area is the best thing you could have done for the […]

The question on everyone's mind recently has been "Does UR care too much?" With the recent rash of nice comments, huge turn-out at basketball games in China, overwhelming crowds in the Hive and world-changing vigils it is hard not to think that UR students are far too motivated.Huge shows of support for sports teams have […]

Once upon a time, early Thursday morning, a ten-foot long smiley face was written in the snow on the Residential Quad in front of Crosby. This was only one of a series of acts of kindness that have ravished the campus in recent weeks.When told of the most recent incident, Dean of The College William […]

After participating in tournaments throughout the year, the Students' Association Appropriations Committee found itself ranked first in the nation among money-controlling bodies.In order to keep the possibility for a first-place ranking, SAAC participated in additional tournaments throughout the year, which caused an added financial strain on the group.SAAC went in front of itself, asking for […]

Once upon a time, specifically around lunchtime on March 18, freshman Steve Lega walked by Rush Rhees on his way to Danforth, when a suspect who was later identified as President Thomas Jackson approached him. Upon spotting the UR student, Jackson immediately began spouting administrative jargon. "A university community, first and foremost, should be a […]

Once upon a time, the Outside Speakers Committee contacted Janet Reno's publicist demanding that she either make a free return engagement to UR or refund a portion of her speakers fee claiming she took a dive during her Jan. 30 speaking engagement. "The bitch fell down, plain and simple," Take Five Scholar and OSC External […]

The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play ? when a frat found the cat on security last Monday. The brothers ran quickly to tell of the sight ? to the Rochester Police that very same night.They looked and they saw it, the mutilated cat in the hat. "Quad Annex residents were […]

Every time my girlfriend Princess Aurora and I have sex, she sleeps through it. Sometimes I feel like a necrophiliac. What can I do to get her more involved in our lovemaking? ? Prince PhillipHave you tried kissing the girl!? There is this thing called foreplay. You might want to try it. Explore that uncharted […]