The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play ? when a frat found the cat on security last Monday. The brothers ran quickly to tell of the sight ? to the Rochester Police that very same night.

They looked and they saw it, the mutilated cat in the hat. “Quad Annex residents were shocked,” said frat brother “Matt.” “It was hanging up on security’s door, it obviously wasn’t alive anymore. Its whiskers were broken, its tail had rips and its ears were missing much more than the tips.”

“The poor thing was beaten, by whom we’re not sure,” said RPD Investigator Rudyard Kipling Gamure. “It’s definitely a crime of unabashed hate. I guess now all I can do is leave it to fate.”

Investigators worry they’ll never know who, for security started a cover-up ? boo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Mauldin said, “Things were so busy that day, we didn’t think our actions would cover their way. It wasn’t us who did it, though he was found on our door. Our heads were just lost in the scene full of gore.”

According to Mauldin they didn’t know what to do, so they just it left alone ? alone to just stew. It wasn’t till “Matt” called the police to the cat, that security admitted they’d hidden the bat. Snow had been pushed atop imprints of feet, in case one of their own was going to have to take heat.

In response to the report Dean Jody Asbury was in a daze.

“No! No! Make that stupid cat go away! Tell that cat in the hat that I do not want to play. He should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when Dean Cooper is out.”

Asbury planned a vigil to remember the cat that was found all dismembered inside of its hat.

Dean of the College William Scott Green, came to the vigil weeping then screamed, “THIS SITUATION IS SO OUT OF HAND, SO FROM NOW ON SECURITY IS BANNED! THEY ARE BANNED FROM THE LIBRARY, THEY ARE BANNED FROM THE PARTIES, AND THEY ARE CERTAINLY BANNED FROM HIDING DEAD BODIES!”

Students were outraged, perplexed and bewildered and showed it by holding out hands to join fingers. They swayed and repeated in rhythmic deca-meter, “Not me, not now, the cat was my brother.”

Dean “The Rock” Ensies was the next to react, and he did so full of most elegant tact. “What I’m going to do, with much elation, is to put security on summary probation.”

Mauldin’s reaction to the disciplinary acts ? “I just don’t know why. They don’t have the facts. We’re appalled and saddened by the disfigured kitty, but come on now guys, can’t we have a little pity?”

Security’s punishment doesn’t stop there, and Lafferty thinks it just isn’t fair.”We aren’t being allowed to hire new Student Aides, I just hope we will be able to as the publicity fades.”

Freshman on campus, Josh Diphill Megurity, said “this type of behavior is so typical of security.” Others agreed, as they considered the case, security is definitly going to lose face.

Students are not the only ones to sound the alarms, activists, too, are all up in arms. They’ve set up more vigils, and started to write ? write letters to editors threatening to bite.

“People like this are a dangerous type, we really do have every reason to gripe,” said head of the Anti-Mutilation Alliance Christine Plummer-Fufel-Geliance. “The concern here is not only for our little friend, but also that all disturbed individuals start to mend.”

Any information that you might hold in your head, should be turned over quickly so you don’t end up dead.

Suess can be reached at cat@admin.rochester.edu.



Help, my roommate took ECON 108!

I was willing to overlook the basic annoyances, such as his grumbling “there’s no such thing as a free lunch” when we’d pass food being given out.

Birding club takes flight

Birding Club has realized what the vast majority of onlookers have known for quite some time: These birds are fucking lame.

Commuting, the death of me

As a Rochester native, I wanted to get as far away from here as possible. I wanted to leave everything and everyone behind.