Once upon a time, the Outside Speakers Committee contacted Janet Reno’s publicist demanding that she either make a free return engagement to UR or refund a portion of her speakers fee claiming she took a dive during her Jan. 30 speaking engagement.

“The bitch fell down, plain and simple,” Take Five Scholar and OSC External Chair Mindy Fountain said. “We missed out on at least 20 minutes of Reno-rific times.”

Reno declined comment on the allegations but her handlers were livid.

“She was roasting in there, rotisserie style,” Reno press liaison Tom Thompson said. “She was like an egg on a sidewalk during a hot Georgia day. It is no surprise she went down. Actually, I’m surprised that she made it that long.”

“Janet likes to party like any 63- year-old woman out there,” he continued. “But she never takes a speech off.

“Janet’s always out there on stage giving it her all,” he said.

Reno faints routinely at speeches. Handlers link it to her degenerative Parkinson’s disease but rumor in political circles is that she just wants to get plastered as soon as possible.

If the allegations are true, they could substantially threaten her campaign for governor of the state of Florida.

“Voters aren’t looking for someone who isn’t going to be genuine in their fainting,” polling expert John Zogby said. “Voters wil forgive a fall or two during the election but not something like this.”

The controversy began after Once Upon a Times photographers took pictures off Reno sneaking out of her ambulance in Mt. Hope Cemetery.

She immediately changed clothes behind Frederick Douglass’s grave, slipping into a tube top and miniskirt, and getting into a Ford Taurus. Photographers followed Reno as she went on a drinking binge throughout Rochester hitting seven bars in two hours.

Senior Brendan Vaughn witnessed Reno’s binge.

“I was drinking at the Elmwood and I saw her across the bar,” he said. “She was up on the bar dancing and hollering.

“I guess she had drank a little too much Ginny,” Vaughn said.

“Reno has been placed on summary disciplinary probation,” Associate Dean of Students Ken “The Rock” Enzies said.

Thompson said it was all a misunderstanding, pinning the blame for the drunken outburst on others.

“They were mistaken,” he said. “That was President Jackson’s secretary Sue Neagly. Have you seen them? They look like they’re twins.”

“I’m confused for Reno all the time,” Neagly said, slightly shaking. “Angry Cubans and Branch Davidians burn things about twice a year.”

Neagly provided an alibi for the night in question.

Most at UR were unconvinced and skeptical of Reno’s story.

“I think I’m going to vote for Jeb Bush now,” freshman Marilyn Lopez said. “I know he’s a heartless bastard that’s soaked in oil, but at least he can finish a speech.”

Lopez is starting the Latinos Against Reno organization here at UR. She said she has over 50 interested members.

“The party had just begun,” sophomore Mohammed Khan said. “I was just starting to feel the buzz from our Reno pre-party. “

He was planning on inviting Reno back to their suite. He said they even brought an ice louge in for the event.

It is sad because it was over before the party began,” he added.

OSC members said the fainting spell deprived them of what they were looking forward to most in her speech.

“I wanted to ask her about how she developed her manly features,” junior and OSC Internal Chair Jason Smith said. “That’s the only reason why we spent 30 Gs on her. We all needed answers and she us deprived of them.”

Fountain agreed.

“This is sad tale of a crafty old woman trying to dupe us,” she added.

Bush can be reached at thomas.leblanc@rochester.edu.

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