Once upon a time, specifically around lunchtime on March 18, freshman Steve Lega walked by Rush Rhees on his way to Danforth, when a suspect who was later identified as President Thomas Jackson approached him.

Upon spotting the UR student, Jackson immediately began spouting administrative jargon. “A university community, first and foremost, should be a community that does not rush to judgment without consideration of all the ramifications of its actions, particularly where the actions do not lie at the heart of the academic mission of the institution,” Jackson said.

“Now give me your wallet,” he continued.

The suspect told the student that he had a gun, and Lega quickly gave Jackson $9. Jackson then admitted that he didn’t really have a gun.

“Meliora,” Jackson said.

When Lega asked for his money back, Jackson refused and told Lega that he was going to “help the SA by supporting the pub.”

Jackson then distracted Lega by throwing a memorandum at him and fled the scene. The student then promptly called security.

After immediately spotting Jackson passed out in the barren pub, Lega identified Jackson as his assailant. Jackson was arrested by police on charges of first degree robbery and grand larceny and taken into custody.

Jackson was also placed on summary disciplinary probation.

“I’m just glad that we finally nailed the bastard, because he’s a slippery one,” Director of Security Walter Mauldin said. “He’s been terrorizing students for years.”

Lega was greatly upset by the incident. “I think this sort of thing is very typical of the attitudes of the administration,” Lega said. “Jackson is a stereotypically spoiled president.”

Spell cast on Once Upon a Times Staff

Once upon a time, an evil sea witch named Deb Rosin-Nil cast a spell on the Once Upon a Times Staff, which turned the staff into monkeys with typewriters.

“You will all become writing fellows!” Rosinil cackled. “Wha-ha-ha-ha.”

Continuing, she added, “I am all that is unholy and evil.”

Strangely enough, Wizard-in-chief Todd Hildebrandt was unaffected by the spell.

“I’ve been a monkey for so long,” Hildebrandt sobbed. “I hate my life.”

Hildebrandt immediately called Director of Wizardry Rob Rouzer to dispel Rosseen-Kill’s witchery.

After chanting her Rosey-Knoll’s name three times backwards, the wizard threw a bucket of water on her.

The witch promptly dissolved, screaming, “I’m melting, I’m melting.” Immediately afterwards, the Once Upon a Times Staff reverted back to their troll-like forms.

Rouzer will be knighted by Lord William Green in a ceremony on April 23.

‘Fiery furnace’ burns down Wallis Hall

Once upon a time, Director of Residential Life Logan Hazen visited Wallis Hall for a meeting with school mascot Paul Burgett.

Shortly thereafter, the building caught on fire, forcing administrators to flee their offices.

Although an investigation is still pending, it is believed that a combination of Hazen’s long-windedness and Burgett’s fiery furnace caused the flames to spread quickly.

Information forged by UR Security.



Research at Rochester: Nadine Grimm helps the world stay wise to its many languages

“Púù yá bámbámbɔ́ bísì bà vú mɔ̀ bî — yá bálɛ́ɛ̀ mápè’è máwɔ̀.” “For our ancestors who have left us…

New academic accommodations announced for Lunar New Year

Faculty members have been informed to give proper academic accommodations to students celebrating the Lunar New Year.

Let’s talk about the cost of UR

Our tuition costs more than Harvard’s and Princeton’s. I don’t know about you, but that’s insane to me.