A store of over a hundred first-born children was found in the top floor of Harkness Hall, last Thursday.
The children ? ranging in age from nine months to three years ? have been identified as the offspring of numerous political science majors who have graduated since Professor of Political Science Gerald Rumplestiltsgamm became chair of the department in the spring of 1999.
Rumplestiltsgamm has been missing since the discovery of the children. His whereabouts are as yet unknown. However security believes they may have a lead.
“I keep getting these phones calls asking me if I have ‘any idears what my name is,'” UR Investigator Dan Lafferty said. “Usually, the mysterious voice ends his taunts with ‘Say my name, say my name, bitch!’ before he hangs up.”
Investigators believe that the mysterious voice is responsible for the spell that parents seem to be under. “They all just start to convulse whenever they hear the voice.”
Parents of the children have been notified that their children had been found, but all involved parties have declined to take their children back.
“We’re afraid,” said Geoffrey Gray, a Class of 1999 political science graduate. “We were told that in exchange for senior theses made of gold, we had to give up our first born child to Rumplestiltsgamm.”
“If we take them back, we don’t know what will become of us,” Gray said.
According to security reports, the parents had signed contracts with Rumplestiltsgamm giving over custody of their first-born child in exchange for gilded senior honors theses that would earn them prestige.
“It seemed like a really good idea at the time,” Gray said.
Director of Security Walter Mauldin feels that Rumplestiltsgamm has descended too far into madness. “He’s clearly crossed the line here,” Mauldin said. “These are babies, not mice, although both are marsupials.”
“The students all agreed to the bargain. I don’t see it as kidnapping at all, merely the solution of a collective action problem,” Rumplestiltsgamm said in a telephone interview from an undisclosed location. “You S-E-E, comma, they needed a good thesis and no longer have to worry about their children. Now they can be productive members of society without the burden of kids, period.”
The young male children, according to security, were all found wearing UR soccer or baseball uniforms and the girls were in small cheerleader uniforms. Some of the older children were found to be wearing polka dot pants and plaid shirts with suspenders and tweed jackets.
“I just want them all to have a good start,” Rumplestiltsgamm said. “They will be filled with a love of sports and of government by the time they are three.” He added that mobiles were being made for the younger children displaying the Bill of Rights pictorally. The older children were found to each have a pocket copy of the Constitution.
UR administration is not sure of how to handle the incident, as there are no rules in the handbook to deal with such a situation. “I just don’t know what to do, since it’s not in the handbook,” Dean Rockensies said. “Maybe he should hire a lot of babysitters.”
Following the incident, the Rock placed Rumplestiltsgamm and the captive children on summary disciplinary probation and promptly checked them into the Smackdown Hotel.
