Once upon a time, early Thursday morning, a ten-foot long smiley face was written in the snow on the Residential Quad in front of Crosby. This was only one of a series of acts of kindness that have ravished the campus in recent weeks.

When told of the most recent incident, Dean of The College William Green was dumbfounded. “WHAT’S GOING ON?!?!” Green shouted. “I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A HEART AGAIN!”

This most recent incident followed one that occurred in Morey 402 on Valentine’s Day, where the words “Love and be loved” were found written in pink chalk on the boards, along with a heart and a peace sign.

The room was filled with balloons and stuffed animals, along with bags of candy sweethearts on top of each desk.

Graffiti was also found last week on the walls of Rush Rhees Library, Meliora Hall, the first floor of Anderson Residence Hall and in Ray MacConnell’s office. The graffiti contained messages like “Ray is great!” and “I bring you love.”

Several of the remarks found on campus involved racial statements like, “I love black people.”

Senior Malik Evans feels that the writer of these remarks was intolerant of African-American issues. “Not all African-Americans are black,” he said while spanking OUAT senior staffer Danbock. “I’m, for example, a tasty mocha brown.”

Dean of Torture Ken Rockensies said that each incident will be “dealt with on a case-by-case basis.”

“The school will be placed on summary disciplinary probation until the matter is resolved,” Rockensies said as he was sifting through copyrighted ads to plagiarize.

When asked who he thought made the most recent smiley face he said, “Shit, man, I dunno. It’s probably that [Dean of the Faculty Thomas]LeBlanc fellow.”

“He always looks at me funny,” Rockensies added.

LeBlanc, wearing a clown costume with a big red nose and inflating balloons, declined to comment.

Response

The Dean of Students’ Office released a letter that reported the recent acts of friendliness and promoted “lower levels of kindness.”

STING painted a banner to hang in Wilson Commons that called for “normalcy of niceness.”

President of STING and junior Radhika Dewan said, “We’re all for promoting friendliness and school spirit, but this is just out of control.”

Continuing, she added, “The banner is a way for us to counteract the graffiti and other nice acts.”

Junior Beth Fox is confused by the recent incidents of niceness. “The graffiti made people feel a little weird about being on campus, but it also made us want to work harder,” Fox said. “We’re just so used to intolerance that we don’t know what to do.”

President Thomas Jackson issued a memorandum regarding the recent incidents of kindness, stating that “these actions are an expression of unreasoned friendliness, which tears at the community values that this university holds dear. It is important that all members of our campus community join us in making it unmistakably clear that this destructive venom has no place in our academic institution.”

In a defiant move against Jackson, Provost Charles Phelps issued his own memorandum. The letter stated, “The administration feels like we’re being hugged a little too much.”

“Provost power!” Phelps added.

For no apparent reason, Father Cool has been placed on summary disciplinary probation.

Dan Lioy of the Pride Network is thankful for the administration’s support. “It is important that the administration realize how grateful we are,” he said. “They are one of our most important allies.”

Both the administration and the Pride Network look forward to a cooperative effort that will help to detract from attitudes on campus. “We will continue to work on common efforts between students and administration in crushing these incidents,” Lioy said.

Bell can be reached at w.green@rochester.edu



Time unfortunately still a circle

Ever since the invention of the wheel, humanity’s been blessed with one terrible curse: the realization that all things are, in fact, cyclical.

Israeli-Palestinian conflict reporting disclosures

The Campus Times is a club student newspaper with a small reporting staff at a small, private University. We are…

Zumba in medicine, the unexpected crossover

Each year at URMC, a new cohort of unsuspecting pediatrics residents get a crash course. “There are no mistakes in Zumba,” Gellin says.