Archives - Chris Horgan
Chris Horgan
Thanksgiving from the perspective of a turkey
Alright, I get it. It’s that time of year again and it looks as if it is all going to end for me. Last year, my fellow turkeys and I bought deer costumes to wear in order to disguise ourselves during hunting season. It didn’t end well. I would like to make some suggestions to […]
Chris Horgan
Poking fun at the news
1. A woman in Wichita left her bedroom late at night to find a burglar eating cookie dough from her freezer. She described him as a blue-ish creature that wouldn’t stop saying, “me want cookie.” She said there was also a grouch in the garbage who got away, but fortunately the cat killed the bird. […]
Chris Horgan
I don’t think anyone wants to do homework on Sunday
Trying to get work done on a Sunday is as pointless as having the Doctor regenerate into a baby. The TARDIS would require a total makeover, and every character would have to attach themselves to booster seats before traveling through time. But who knows, maybe by the end of the baby’s tenure as the Doctor, […]
Chris Horgan
10 ways to make politics better
1. Make Obama follow through with the change thing. Yesterday, I was at the Pit, and I was short 30 cents for my salad – where was Obama to provide the change? Also, change ObamaCare to ObamaCares – it just sounds less like caveman. 2. Instead of making students take the SAT’s to get […]
Chris Horgan
Some ways to make your losing NFL team better
We are midway through the NFL season and some teams are not doing so well. Here are my suggestions to help those teams tackle their problems. 1. Hire Shakespeare as your offensive and defensive coordinator. If you want to win, you need creativity to keep the other team guessing. Who better to write and call […]
Chris Horgan
’Twas the night before midterms
’Twas the night before midterms, and all through the dorms, Not a student was Netflixing, against weekly norms. The notebooks were held by students with care, “What time is this test? And do I know where?” Hours and hours to prepare for the day, In hopes that come grading, they’re given an A. While visions […]
Humor
Poking fun at the news
1. A new poll finds that 21 percent of students at Harvard are virgins. Sounds like homework isn’t the only thing students are doing. 2. The UN panel has advised nations to invest in preparing for “irreversible” effects from global warming. After some debate as to what topic to address first, the UN agreed this […]
Humor
Could be a coincidence
I’ve been at UR for a little while now. That being said, I haven’t been able to get over some things that seem too suspicious to be purely coincidental. For example, a lot of people in charge have the first name “Dean” for some reason. Let’s see, there’s Dean Burgett, Dean Burdick… Another thing is […]
Humor
Poking fun at the news
1. A Pennsylvanian man is in trouble for painting his town’s Main Street. All he wanted to do was brush it up a little. 2. A woman was arrested for illegal entry after being found in her ex’s chimney. She is claiming that she was in the wrong fireplace at the wrong time. 3. A […]
Humor
Tic tacs are good for when you’re hungry and want two hundred of something
This article has nothing to do with tic tacs (a variation of a Mitch Hedberg joke). Well, the first sentence does, so technically, at the very least this article has something to do with tic tacs. Instead, I’m going to write about my first year-and-a-month here at UR. When I first applied here, I thought […]
