Archives - CT Staff
Freshman housing just a joke, Jackson says
President Thomas Jackson emerged from Wallis Hall Friday to unveil freshman housing as a practical joke he has been playing on the university for the last four years.?I?ve pulled some pranks in my day, but this is really my finest hour. Even the Board of Trustees was fooled,? Jackson giggled. ?Tee hee hee hee hee.?Professor […]
Story A
Story A: Your judgment is obviously clouded. We?ll make this choice for you. Report directly to Story B.
Stupid stories no one cares about
Through a new ad campaign, the Protestant Chapel Community formalized its decision to reject the Christ figure, traditionally considered the focal point of the religion.Multicolored posters hung all over campus urging students to ?Worship Rocks!?PCC leaders said the move was designed to ease students into the harsh rigors of formal worship.?After all, when you learn […]
Campus Nudity
Two members of UR Peace were arrested by the Rochester Police Department Wednesday after getting into an altercation while mediating a conflict between the Midnight Ramblers and the Yellowjackets.The fight broke out between senior Erik Barnes and sophomore Samuel Hathaway, after the two reportedly disagreed about whether the groups needed to go to peace training […]
This or that?
In an effort to attract more students, UR will implement a new initiative next year called ?You Can Get With This, Or You Can Get With That.?With more and more students unsatisfied with various areas of the university, the administrators and students who developed this new program want to give more choices to those on […]
Student rights violated in Dandelion Square
In blatant disregard for student rights, university officials authorized riot police to move Monday on more than 400 students peacefully gathered in Dandelion Square.Tensions escalated when temperatures in western New York hit a record 10 degrees Celsius for more than two consecutive days Friday and Saturday of last week. To the horror of university administrators, […]
University builds campus sweatshop
A UR sweatshop will open on campus this spring, President Thomas Jackson announced Tuesday.?UR has embraced the ideals of the modern industrial age,? Jackson said. ?We have converted the lower level of Bausch and Lomb into a third-world sweatshop.??We have always had a commitment to provide low-cost, morally questionable items of clothing to the university […]
Library starts cashing in bad borrowers
Continuing efforts to crack down on rogue borrowers, the River Campus Libraries have started placing bounties on the heads of patrons with accumulated fines of more than $100. Any member of the UR community can participate in the new policy, provided that prospective bounty hunters attend a library-run screening of the movie ?Blade Runner.?Circulation Supervisor […]
Story B
Splendid choice! You will receive a pass for a free wrap in Douglass Food Court as a reward for your good judgment.In case you hadn?t heard, Douglass Food court now serves up to two different wraps per day, as opposed to last year?s four plus. However, seeing that the students want to get with both […]
Story C
Sorry, this story wasn?t turned in on time because the writer had to keep running between the Pit and Douglass.You see, he decided upon a wrap in the Pit, but had to run over to Douglass for the good fries.Then he had to run back to the Pit because that?s where his friends were eating, […]