President Thomas Jackson emerged from Wallis Hall Friday to unveil freshman housing as a practical joke he has been playing on the university for the last four years.
?I?ve pulled some pranks in my day, but this is really my finest hour. Even the Board of Trustees was fooled,? Jackson giggled. ?Tee hee hee hee hee.?
Professor of Political Science Gerald Gamm swooned, fainting to the ground in mortification.
?Say it ain?t so,? he pleaded after being revived with smelling salts . ?My dream, flushed into the Genesee River. How can I face the old Harvard boys now??
He then retired to his boudoir.
Dean of the College William Green was seen crying like a little schoolgirl.
But not all were distraught. Upon hearing the news, Director of Residential Life Logan Hazen wiped his brow in relief.
?Whew, he really had us going there,? Hazen said. ?Live on, special interest housing!?
Director of Admissions Jamie Hobba declined comment.
However, his lackey Neill Sanders streaked across campus hollering like an Indian chief.
?Now we can admit 200 more students than our target number,? he hooted with glee.
Junior and Students? Association President Meng Wang claimed he knew about the joke all along.
?That?s why I reversed my stance to side with the administration after promising to fight for the students,? Wang said. ?I was the only one onto Jackson?s game.?
Students were furious when they heard the truth.
?Freshman housing was the best idea on campus, even better than the CT swimsuit edition,? senior Damon Dimmick said. ?It?s a good thing I?m finally graduating. I don?t want to live with those freshmen. They have cooties.?
?I don?t want to live on the quad,? sophomore Tori Sweetser said. ?It?s the worst housing on campus. Give me Sue B. or give me death!?
Jackson was seen flying away on his private jet, Meliora One, as the campus was plunged into anarchy. Rumor has it he will next appear on Curt Smith?s TV show, the most popular political show in Monroe County that airs at 8 a.m.
?I bet no one knew this feisty side of me before,? Jackson said. ?Maybe next week I?ll tell the truth about the Renaissance Plan.?
